Where did it all go wrong? The Tab’s Cambridge highlights of 2016
Time to pick through the burning bits of wreckage from a horrible year.
It’s time to briefly reflect on a year of despair and upheaval, before 2017 comes and kicks us all in the face.
However, rather than focussing on the impending threat of a global nuclear holocaust and the unstoppable tide of dying celebs, The Tab is going to round-up our favourite stories in Cambridge throughout the year.
Salty Student Politics:
The Rise and Fall of the Campaign to Abolish Class Lists
One of the larger campaigns which occurred throughout the year were ones concerning the abolition or retention of the Class Lists, displaying the grades of all students publicly outside the Senate House. While the referendum didn’t determine whether they would be abolished, it was considered an indication of the opinion of the student body, and determined which side CUSU would campaign for.
Cambridge Remained Affiliated with the NUS
The other key opportunity for student politico’s to gain notoriety was the CUSU referendum on affiliation with the NUS, whose leader Malia Bouattia has been roundly condemned for anti-semitic remarks, and her failure to make amends to Jewish students.
After an absolute shit tonne of opinion pieces fighting for both sides, the student body ultimately decided to remain. No doubt those opposed to NUS affiliation will find many a way to continue slating the organisation in 2017, and potentially for all eternity.
Students being Stupid:
Whilst we may be some of the brightest young people academically, Cambridge students often lack common sense and make complete tits out of themselves. If we didn’t, then what would Daily Mail commenters have to get angry about?
The Cambridge University Fashion Show supported an Illegal Charity:
Since its creation 2 years ago, the CUCFS supported the charity Cambridge House which is a long-standing charity focussing on tackling social injustice and poverty. This year, however, the CUCFS Committee decided to change charities, to one which a Tab investigation discovered was illegal.
The CUCFS Committee released a response suggesting that “no effort was made by The Tab to work with CUCFS in the best interest of raising as much money as possible”. This may have been because The Tab was instead highlighting the gross incompetence of a Committee which did no research into their charity of choice, instead choosing it because of its substantial instagram following.
The CUCFS has now (quietly, out of term time) changed the charity they’re supporting to the Douglas Bader Foundation, which is an actual charity which helps people in the UK to cope with limb loss and disabilities. Hopefully future committees won’t require others to do their research for them.
A student in a sheep costume was set on fire on Caesarean Sunday:
On one of the 2 big drinking soc days of the year, a Sidney Sussex fresher was set on fire, which resulted in an ambulance helicopter flying in to their aid.
The student was fine, although whether their dignity will ever recover from such a fatal blow is still unknown.
Our Favourite Tab Articles:
Some self-indulgence must be expected from a trumped up student tabloid rag.
Over 1000 students answered our survey, revealing shocking statistics such as Mathmos having the highest proportion of virgins, and 100% of Land Economists surveyed watched porn more than once a week.
The other main highlight of the porn survey were the comments received, many of which haunt Tab writes to this day. A top answer was the respondent who said that the “Backroom Casting Couch is really great for criminal law hypotheticals”
Once again, those with perfect posteriors competed for an award far more prestigious than a starred first. There was a strong performance from many this year, including a spectacular photo in front of Gardies. Ultimately, it was Polly who won the competition.
The real losers, however, were the creepy commenters from across the internet, who apparently don’t have anything better to do.
An outrageous satire of the massive fucking legend that all of us have come to despise in the Life smoking area (although honestly, The Tab isn’t even sure they were joking).
It was a hell of a year, and no doubt students will be just as angry and stupid in 2017. The Tab looks forward to it, although you probably don’t #WatchThisSpace