Which Bake Off contestant is your college?

We can’t all be Selasi

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It’s the end of an era. 

Tonight is the final episode of ‘The Great British Bake Off’ before it moves to Channel 4, loses Mary Berry, Mel and Sue and becomes rubbish.

In honour of this momentous occasion, we at the Tab pay homage to this British institution the only way we know how, with a list comparing contestants to Cambridge colleges.

Andrew – Trinity

He might be an alumnus of Sidney Sussex but it’s clear that Andrew has the spirit of a Trinity student. He’s technically perfect every week, obsessed with precision and clearly a massive nerd. The only real difference between Trinity and Andrew is that everyone loves Andrew.

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Look at him. With his ferris wheel. Nerd.

Kate – Peterhouse

Like Peterhouse, Kate seems conservative and traditional on the outside. She’s a nurse, a mother of two and she lives on a farm out in Norfolk. No one can possibly be this sweet. Like Peterhouse, perhaps darker deeds lurk beneath the surface. I’m not saying there’s a sex dungeon in her basement, I’m just saying I wouldn’t be surprised.

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I’m wearing this dress because I love to swallow! I mean I love swallows, the birds, yes, the birds.

Michael – Robinson

The youngest baker on this season of GBBO is a natural fit for the most recently built Cambridge college. On top of that, Michael is a politics and economics student, meaning he’d feel right at home in the college that gave us Nick Clegg and Greg Hands. His ready supply of Zivania would also help Robinson students cope with the red brick monstrosity that they live in.

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At least he brought shots

Louise – Queens’

On the surface, Louise seemed like a contestant who could go far, professing that her baking style revolved around ‘elaborate design’. But like Queens’ she proved herself to be a bloody disaster and under pressure her gingerbread wedding fell apart even quicker than the Queens’ river bank.

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Collapsing like the banks of Queens’

Val – Homerton

Friendly, a bit mad and a retired primary school teacher, Val would be right at home with all of the Education students in far away Homerton. Her heart-warming speech after being eliminated would bring tears to the eyes of even the stone-hearted Paul Hollywood and proves that she could hang out with all the thesps that Homerton houses.

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What’s that cake? I should murder everyone?

Lee – Wolfson

The first contestant to be eliminated this season, Lee will go down in Bake Off history for being old, unexciting and very forgettable, much like the inhabitants of Wolfson.

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Who is this guy?

Jane – St John’s

Is there anyone that doesn’t kind of hate Jane/St.John’s? But if we’re honest with ourselves, it’s only because we’re jealous. Week after week she produces consistently amazing baking, smashing the classics and wowing Paul and Mary with her skills. It’s enough to make us lesser mortals sick. Don’t worry Jane/Johnians, it’s better to be feared than loved.

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Don’t hate me cause you ain’t me peasants

Selasi – King’s 

It is only right that Selasi be represented by the most impressive looking college. This man captured the hearts of the nation with his swoonworthy good looks and has become the iconic baker of the season, just as the view of King’s and King’s chapel is one of the most iconic vistas of Cambridge.

Unfortunately, Selasi wasn’t able to secure a place in the final based on handsomeness and charm alone and King’s pretty facade masks mediocre academic performance and a fondness for Soviet Russia.

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If it was The Great British Impregnating-People-With-A-Single-Look Off, Selasi would have won

Benjamina – Clare

Located conveniently close to her bestie, Selasi/King’s, Clare is clearly Benjamina’s spiritual home. It’s an older college which reflects Benjamina’s classic style of baking but was not founded by a Tudor, her sworn enemies after the clusterfuck that was Tudor Week. Benjamina also had an unfortunate habit of underbaking her dishes, a trait reflected in the often half-baked students of Clare.

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She’d behead Henry and all his wives if she could

Tom – Emmanuel

A bit weird, a bit experimental but occasionally brilliant basically sums up both Tom and Emmanuel. A very creative baker, Tom was the undisputed King of Bread after winning Star Baker in Bread Week and making a smashing fougasse later on. Naturally this would make him very popular amongst the famous ducks of Emmanuel.

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He can do dick bread, but can he do duck bread?

Candice – Newnham

Smashing the patriarchy week after week without so much as smudging her lipstick, clearly Newnham is the place for Candice. Between asking Mel to grab her jugs, offering Mary a taste of her carpet and being a P.E. teacher, we have no doubt that Candice would thrive in a women’s college.

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Someone please tell me where she gets her lipstick

Rav – Girton

Rav was a really nice fellow but for him, Bake Off was an uphill battle, much like the cycle home for a Girton student. In addition, Rav is a university support worker for struggling students, something desperately needed at Girton because we all make fun of them relentlessly.

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“Tell me about your problems, Girtonians, I’m here to listen”

Roll on the final.