I love John’s and I’m proud

Even though I am not one of you, I understand you

College fame Husband marriage May Ball Obsession posh twats st johns

St John’s is not your problem. It’s your narrow-minded attitude. And jealousy. Obviously.

My obsession started when I was too lazy to revise for my exams but too excited for Cambridge to not research it. So I googled some articles about my beloved University. As a fresher-to-be I was excited for any piece of information I could collect. I browsed every website where Cambridge was mentioned. I read many, many threads on one student website but still I thirsted for more information. Then, I came across a fountain of beauty and wisdom that is St John’s on one hallowed thread. This was the first time I heard about this wonderful college.

Since I was the first student at my school to apply to Cambridge in 15 years, no one knew anything about the college system. So, I made an open application and relied on fate. I ended up in Medwards. Not bad, I thought. But then I remembered St John’s.

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I want to bathe in its majesty.

I heard about people from St John’s. Posh twats, some say. But I say no. Some of them are actually nice. Not everyone, for sure. Some of them will spit on your shoes but not all of them. And it has a chapel. And a bridge. And punters who punt underneath it wishing they could grab onto the bridge and kiss it. I would.

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Like a bridge over troubled water, I want to lay me down.

Because I’m the number 1 fan of their college and am not afraid to publicly praise it, I have encountered many who misunderstand me, who judge me, who attempt to change my mind. But, I defy them. My heart will always go out to the Johnsians, and perhaps the rest of my body too, if you get what I mean. Even though I’m not one of you, I understand you. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Johnsians. People are just jealous. They are jealous of the chapel and the bridges, a space in which you can walk and pray and thrive academically, without the burden of the outside world looking in, and all its problems.

Who cares.

Who cares.

They are also jealous of your spacious rooms to which you can bring eligible suitors completely unashamed.

But I’m not jealous. I’ve decided to look past the wide, open spaces, and the name-calling and shit-slinging that it provokes. I see people who are just like us, who have the same fears, hopes and sins. We are all here for one reason. Maybe two. Or three. To get a degree, a husband and fame.

Last but not least, if any of you, my dear friends, strangers, anyone who is reading this article, will happen to have a spare ticket for St John’s ball, I would be really thankful if you could sell it to me.

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Delicious.