The Golden Rules of College Marriage

Gone Girl is the latest film from David Fincher.

The plot focuses on Amy Dunne (Rosamund Pike) who goes missing on her fifth wedding anniversary, leaving husband Nick (Ben Affleck) to prove his innocence as everybody becomes convinced that he has killed her.

In attempting to find his wife, cracks in their seemingly perfect relationship begin to show, and a shocking turn of events leads to a thrilling and twisted satire of marriage. Go see it.

Whilst us students may feel free from the film’s scathing examination of marriage, we’re actually not. Allow me to explain college marriages.

College marriage is odd. The concept of it being that you propose to somebody, then a year or so down the line you’ll be given ‘children’ (Otherwise known as freshers) who you need to take on a tour of Cambridge one day, get drunk one night, and then just be there for if needed, which you most likely won’t be, for the rest of the year.

Marry somebody you don’t really know to look after kids you don’t really see, it’s the perfect preparation for ‘real’ marriage and therefore probably a lot more useful than the degrees some of us are getting.

However as easy and inconsequential as it may sound, things can go wrong. Fear not though, as here are the steps you need to follow to have a college marriage more successful than any real union you’ll have in the future, certainly more successful than Nick and Amy’s marriage in Gone Girl anyway…

Propose to somebody you sort of know and can stand being around

Posh and Becks will have nothing on your college marriage

This isn’t really a necessity but it helps. Once married the time spent with your college spouse can be restricted to next fresher’s week if you wish but really the awkward silences upon first meeting should be between you and the kids not you and your partner.

Also you’re supposedly not allowed to marry somebody who does the same subject as you and just follow the rules of real life in regards to marrying siblings…

Tailor your proposal accordingly

She was already married

We’ve all heard of these wonderfully elaborate, dramatic, and cheesy proposals but let’s face it…putting that much effort into college marriage is a cause for concern.

However if that’s something you think your prospective wife, or husband, would appreciate then you do it, this is marriage we’re talking about, it’s not about what you want.

Don’t take too long planning it though, I’ve seen people lose their dream partners and end up sad and alone through such creative stalling, don’t be that person.

No sex

The disgust having sex with your college spouse would elicit in others

Like Randy’s first rule to survive a horror movie in Scream, you can’t have sex.

Your college partner isn’t somebody you should be romantically or physically involved with. That’s what everybody says anyway even if many don’t follow such advice.

This rule is frequently ignored to start off with, although if the union survives then it is strictly adhered to for the rest of your time together. Once again, college marriage parallels the real thing.

Follow those three golden rules and your college marriage should be fine. And if Gone Girl is still playing in a theatre near you once you’ve got married then why not go and see it with your college spouse?

It will certainly make you feel better about any relationship you’ve ever and never had.