Life Hacks for May Week

CHARLIE DOWELL gives you a couple of quick shortcuts to make May Week easier.

Alcohol Cindies dress hacks May Ball May Week picnic shoes strawberry vodka

May Week is a frantic and delirious time. It is full of dodgily mixed drinks and social messages, working on a brain that seesaws between fuzzily drunk to earsplittingly hungover. To help you through this difficult period there are a couple of clever simple tricks to turn your slog of a May Week, into a breeze of ball-gowned and picnics-on-the-lawns perfection.

Can these punters hack it?

Social Hacks

Misreading social situations is a big blunder that will occur throughout Cambridge over the coming weeks. Here are a few tips to help you judge them better.

  1. How can you tell if someone is checking you out/staring at you? Yawn and see if they catch it. If so they were obviously paying some attention to you.
  2. How do you ask someone’s name if you have forgotten it and don’t want to look like a tool? Simply ask for their name. They’ll reply with their first name, then correct them by saying you meant their surname.
  3. Want to remember their name in the first place? Say it after they speak to you, or next time you speak to them address them with their name while it is still fresh in your memory.
  4. Caught doing something embarrassing when drunk? Just say you lost a bet/the drinking captain made you do it.

Drinking hacks

If I was to explain to a Daily Mail reporter what was the main driving force behind May week, drinking would probably be top of the list. Due to its importance it is worth getting this aspect of your festivities right.

  1. Need to cool a bottle of cava in fifteen minutes? Wrap it in wet towels and put in the freezer.
  2. How do you keep that half drunk bottle of lemonade fizzy for tomorrow’s Pimm’s? Shake it up a little bit and pop it in the fridge, should stay good for a couple of days.
  3. Has your fizzy wine gone flat in the sun? Drop a raisin in and the bubbles should return.
  4. Desperately need to avoid a hangover? Leave a large glass of water by your bedside so you don’t forget the mandatory pre bedtime downing.
  5. Dying to be served at a busy Cindie’s bar? Stand behind someone already being served and you should ease to the front in no time. Once there, strong eye contact is key to being served.
  6. Need to keep your wine cool during a picnic? Freeze grapes and pop them in your glass to keep it cool without diluting.
  7. Missing an ice cube tray? Cut the bottom off a drinks bottle and the indents provide perfect ice cube wells.
  8. Want to turn Sainsbury’s basics vodka into Grey Goose? Run it through a Brita filter a couple of times (though if you are posh enough to have one you can probably afford high quality vodka).

A hotbed for potential hacks

Food Hacks

Picnic on the backs, oysters at the May ball, Gardies after your first Cindie’s since exams, all are bastions of culinary delights that may be made easier by these hacks.

  1. Need to remove the stalk from a strawberry cleanly? Push a straw through the apex and out the top to cleanly decapitate without sticky fingers.
  2. Want to cut perfectly straight lines through your picnic cake? Use unscented dental floss as a cheese wire.
  3. Is your mouth burning from that phaal you had at your swap? Ask for a teaspoon or sachet of sugar and it should help neutralise the pain.
  4. Find cupcakes difficult to eat? Cut it through the middle, flip it over and turn it into a sandwich.

A sandwich in the right hands

Clothes and Shoes Hacks

We need to look good, really good, throughout the coming weeks. This can be hard, especially when the slings and arrows of wardrobe malfunctions and stains from food and drinks come our way.

  1. Have you got white deodorant stains on your black dress? Rub fabric softener on it and they will go.
  2. Does your dress keep on riding up when you dance? Squirt some hairspray on your legs. The added friction should do the job.
  3. Can’t tie a bow tie? Learn you lazy slob. You got into Cambridge, it’s not that hard.
  4. Got wine stains on your shoes? Rub them with vinegar and the stains should disappear.
  5. Have you spilled some ketchup on your ball dress or white shirt? Soak the afflicted area in vodka for a bit. Alcohol is one of the best easily available solvents.

Hacked perfection

May week can be hard. With these hacks you should breeze through relatively unscathed and ready to return to the outside world.