Tab Guide to sleeping with…

It’s exam term and we are all a little sexually frustrated. But now the light is at the end of the tunnel for most, and we will want to be getting our game back on. Worried your skills might be a little rusty after the wilderness weeks? No fear, The Tab is here to help you on the way to snaring the man/woman of your dreams.

In the awareness that not all Cantabs are the same, we have kindly stereotyped your potential love interests into a helpful pocket guide.

We will not be held responsible for the results of your conquests. Mainly because if you follow our advice you will almost certainly fail. We did warn you. Still interested? Well read on, my overly-trusting friend.

 

Union Hack

Chat Up Line: “Damn girl/boy, I’d certainly say Aye to your motion.”

Pros: The increased likelihood that one day you will be able to watch Prime Minister’s Question Time, smugly muttering “been there, done that” every time they come on screen.

Cons: The fact that your ex is running the country will probably throw your own paltry career into pretty sharp relief. Plus give your future spouse some serious insecurity issues. I’m not saying sleeping with a Union buff will ruin your future marriage, trigger a catastrophic midlife crisis and make your children hate you, I’m just saying it might be worth erring on the side of caution.

 

Boatie

Chat Up Line: “I wish I was your oar, so you would pull me.”

Pros: Body.

Cons: Personality.

 

Medic

Chat Up Line: “Wow, is your name chronic long term cardiovascular condition? Cos you make my heart skip a beat.”

Pros: Vaguely increased likelihood that they will know where the clitoris is, something that should not be taken for granted in a Cambridge male. Still no guarantee, though.

Cons: Everything else.

 

First Year Historian

Chat Up Line: “If you were the Hegelian thesis, and I was the antithesis, could we cum together?”

Pros: Their youth, vitality and vague sense that life might somehow still be worth living could rub off on you. Plus, most of them still remember to shower regularly and change their clothes, which sets them apart from a large percentage us at the moment.

Cons: You might just end up realising how tragic your life is in comparison. Plus they might actually want to spend time with you. Outside the library. Not working. Ridiculous idea. Naïve idiots.

 

CompSci

Chat Up Line: “Hi, I’m a human female.”

Pros: Warner Bros. might make a Social Network style film about them, and you might get a minor bit part in the first scene like that girl Mark Zuckerburg screwed over. This character will probably be played by someone dramatically more attractive than you, providing a much-needed ego boost. Success.

Cons: You try telling your friends over breakfast that you slept with a CompSci. That much is easy. What is less easy is trying to move the conversation on to any other topic. Half will find it infinitely hilarious. The other half will just be impressed that you managed to find one.

 

Drinking Society President

Chat Up Line: Give them some chat about being ‘The Curry King of my heart’. Worried that isn’t very witty? Well no, but it’s still among the top five chat up lines that I’ve ever heard on a swap. Standards aren’t high. It will probably work.

Pros: Ohmigod he’s wearing a tie. That probably makes him important.

Cons: Come on now. Do I have to spoon feed you everything?

 

Pitt Club

Or just don’t.

 

PhD Student

Chat Up Line: PhD students are far too intelligent to be taken in by a simple sound bite. Prepare to put in the hours. You won’t be able to impress them with your intelligence, so instead blow them away with your youthful vitality. Go all Manic Pixie Dream Girl/Boy. Remind them of a time when there was more in their life that the neoclassical gardening techniques of 1836-48.

Pros: Help with supervision work. Smug sense of having punched intellectually well above your weight. The possibility that people who don’t know you very well will think you are really mature and cool.

Cons: Have you ever tried to look interested in the neoclassical gardening techniques of 1836-48 for more than ten minutes at a time?

 

Thus ends our helpful guide. I really, sincerely hope it wasn’t useful at all for you.

Now go out and have glorious, safe and consensual post exam sex, all of you. Or don’t have any sex at all. It’s none of my business.

Just promise me you will never actually use any of those chat up lines.