Sex at Oxbridge’s open letter to The Reluctant Virgin of Cambridge

Ellie’s latest column can be found here.

Dear Miss Ellie Slee,

If that is your real name. Which I doubt. Then again, I certainly hope it isn’t a pseudonym. I mean, I know my pseudonym sounds like an incomplete sentence, but if you’re going to write about the quest to be one of us sex-havers you could have at least made up a clever play on words using the names Mary or Virginia. I don’t know, I don’t do puns.

I understand where you’re coming from, I do. I was a virgin my first term at uni. Primarily because I had been too busy doing the kind of things that get you into Cambridge or Oxford from the ages of 12 to 17, and partially because of standards. I wasn’t waiting for The One, but I certainly wasn’t going to just sleep with anyone.

I understand what a big fucking deal people can make of the whole thing and I definitely hear you on the weird snogs and hookups that (thankfully) did not end in my first time having sex. I was never locked in someone’s room and used as a human mattress, but I’ve probably had weirder.

What I do not understand, Miss V Card, is what the rush is. You have the rest of your life to have sex and, trust me on this, most 18-21 year old boys are completely rubbish at it, so you’re fishing in a pool of ineptitude (for the most part). Holding out can pay off. I lost my virginity to a boy in my college who went on to be a Jack Wills model. He made me laugh and made me feel beautiful. I mean, it helps that I am beautiful, but it wasn’t always pointed out to me so blatantly.

Ultimately things ended quite badly with Zoolander. However, the anniversary of the first time I did the sex happened to be last week and on that day I texted this boy, as I do every year, and we had a bit of a laugh and our annual conversation ended with the agreement that we had found a very unconventional way of dealing with Blue Monday.

I digress, this isn’t about me. It’s about you.

Firstly, you are doing porn wrong. I don’t know what the fuck this Russian novel is that you’re speaking of, but it sounds dire. For the most part, marriage doesn’t begin with casual kidnapping and slavery. I once interviewed a female porn director, and porn by women for women is probably where you should seek your vicarious excitement.

Secondly, by the hymen of Olivia Newton John, don’t get your tits out! Don’t be that girl. Be cool, man. I’m sure your boobs are great and all, but in time a lot of guys will validate this for you.

Mostly, getting laid just isn’t that hard. “Reluctant virgin” is perhaps the most oxymoronic thing I have ever heard. I wish that I believed that this is hyperbolic satire, but it’s written so earnestly that I’m either the world’s most gullible person or The Tab is just terrific at fiction.

Honestly, sweetness, life’s not a track meet – it’s a marathon. And yes, I just quoted Ice Cube. But really, for fuck’s sake, for literal fuck’s sake, for the sake of fucking, find someone you think might actually be decent at it. My mum gave me some terrific advice when I was younger and I made the passing statement that, as a virgin, I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. She responded, “Don’t do that. Sexual compatibility is very important in a marriage.”

I then responded, “Well then I want to lose my virginity to another virgin.” To which, in her infinite wisdom, she replied, “Heavens no, darling. They’ll be terrible at it.”

So there you have it. Mummy SAO also told me that she expected me to be curious about everything from drugs to sex but that she expected me to wait until I was ready for all of the above. Be careful darling because there’s no going back! Sex is one etch a sketch you can’t undo, home skillet.

Being a virgin is intriguing. And most boys are just happy to see girls naked. So use those tits for good use – not for awkward dinner party interludes. You’re not a trophy fuck for someone collecting v-cards, you are an intelligent, well-spoken, well-breasted young woman. You do what you want, but only when you want.

All My Love,

Sex At Oxbridge

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