Colleges Warn: Don’t be Seen at Jesus Green

A number of college Deans have emailed undergraduates, urging them to steer clear of Caesarian Sunday.

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A number of colleges have sent emails urging their students to “find a more fruitful way” of spending this Sunday than heading to Jesus Green.

The emails, delivered to all undergrads of the college, outline the “offensive and damaging” tradition of “Caesarean [sic] Sunday”, highlighting the “serious damage” that the “drunken and inappropriate” activities have done to the reputation of the university.

Don’t go: the message is clear from Homerton Dean Philip Stephenson

They continue, warning that this year, any student behaving in an “anti-social or unlawful” manner will not only have to deal with the powers-that-be of their college, but also of the Cambridgeshire Police.

Students from Homerton, Catz, Clare, Wolfson and Jesus itself have all received such an email, Tab sources can confirm.

“Hold me back, mate”

The message comes just two days after negotiations between the Caesarians and Jesus College allegedly broke down after a disagreement regarding the location of the annual Jesus-Girton brawl.

A member of the Caesarians, however, contacted The Tab soon after and insisted that negotiations were still in progress. “There has, in fact, been no breakdown in negotiations,” he said.

“We are still very much in contact with the Dean and the police.”

Who would have thought the college could be full of such Monsters?

Nonetheless, a police statement attached to all of today’s emails suggests that there will be a significant police presence on Sunday. The statement reads:

“Should students choose to go to Jesus Green then there will be police officers there throughout the day. This police presence will ensure that any activities and behaviour on Jesus Green are peaceful, lawful and have no adverse effect on others using or passing through Jesus Green.

“Where behaviour is identified as anti-social or unlawful, there will be a swift response to resolve such incidents. Individuals involved in such inappropriate behaviour will be asked to leave, formally directed to leave or, if appropriate in the circumstances, arrested.

Not this time: Cambridge police have promised an increased presence on Jesus Green this year

“Students are urged to follow the advice of their tutors and, if they choose to attend Jesus Green, then to act and behave responsibly.”

It thus appears unlikely that the infamous Caesarian Sunday brawl will go ahead this year.

Still, anyone involved in kipper-necklace-wearing or port-from-a-condom-drinking on the frequently misspelt ‘Caesarean’ Sunday: be aware of widespread police presence.