Leaf’s Lunches: Christ’s
Leaf gives her verdict on Christ’s caff this week: a grossout of biblical proportions.
Jessica Christ this college’s food is bad. I had been warned by a few Christ’s students – Christians?! – that their bouf was unpleasant – it bloody well was.
We turned up at the canteen at 17.45 on the button, rather early for supper but wanting to boycott any awkward queuechat. Ominously, I could see that the cold-food shelves were almost bare. Lots of shelf space but very few sandwiches, disconcertingly reminding me of bald men with large shiny heads – such potential! Such waste!
The lack of choice in the salad bar was also gutting. The only thing I eyeballed that seemed like it might taste alright were some chickpeas, which everyone knows taste like wood shavings unless they’ve been humousified. Why the heck did I finish my Lembas bread this morning?! You’re needed, elven sustenance!
The hot food section was equally as depressing. I chose a lamb kebab with rice and some cauliflower – arguably a poor choice, but my hands were tied. The meat was so tough and charred it was probably a third-degree burns victim.
Meanwhile my dear friend M-girl had a slice of pork with beans and potato wedges. Optimistically I ignored the pork’s ashen appearance and went in for a forkful: thus I was condemned to a minute of tedious mouth-covering as I tried to elegantly spit out a load o’ fat.
To add pH1 to injury, the puddings were so unappealing that I didn’t even get one. This is a big deal – my sweet tooth is so razor-sharp that I have to add sugar to my frosties.
So to sum up: Darwin and Borat may have gone to Christ’s, the college itself may boast a pretty quad and some brainy students, but their food is shocking. That was my Last Supper there; I think I shall remain a Gentile, and a smug one at that.