Stealing Is Not Okay

Unless you’re a, ‘I’m too alternative for social media’ type, you can’t have missed the latest Facebook application. You know the one: HOW-MANY-PEOPLE-HAVE-BEEN-RAPED-OUTSIDE-YOUR-HOUSE? Okay, so it may not actually be called that, but that’s effectively what it is. The idea is simple: you fill in your address, and up pops up a nice, extensive list of how many crimes have been committed in your area. Better still, this handy app details the nature of these crimes.

What have I learnt? Cambridge is a crime hot spot. And what have I concluded? Crime is not okay. Especially when it involves sparkly disco balls.

At the moment, all I seem to read about are the violent crimes in Cambridge: students getting attacked in Fez, Parker’s Piece being quite rapey, people being mugged on Jesus Green… the list goes on. This situation is not ideal. Thankfully, whilst the victims of these crimes are mostly students, the perpetrators aren’t. Cambridge students aren’t generally violent. But, are we trustworthy?

We certainly like to think we are. I, for one, never lock my door. It just seems a bit silly, considering I live in a house full of my friends. And, most people share my laid back attitude. This morning, for example, I was looking around college for a room to live in next year.

I looked at eight rooms, every single one of which was unlocked, and the inhabitants were nowhere to be seen. That’s eight rooms of booty. Fairly obviously, the thought of robbing these trusting students didn’t occur to me, and I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have occurred to most people.

Why is it, then, that given a bottle of vino and a couple of Jagerbombs, we all become such massive kleptomaniacs?

I’m not preaching: I got chucked out of Revs last term for helping myself to stuff from the stock cupboard (which, if anyone wanted to know, is at the back of the dance floor, just next to the toilets. WKD galore). In any normal situation, I would have been disgusted with myself, but for some reason, all I felt was pride. Lad.

Perhaps my WKD escapades don’t actually count as ‘theft’? I heard (and I am willing to be corrected by super keen law kids) that if you commit a little crime when you’re drunk, you can just blame the booze and get off scot-free. And, to be fair, the staff at Revs and Cindies should be prepared for it, because once my blood ethanol level gets high enough, any and all booze is fair game. But, where does this robbery stop?

The ball in question

Misplace your gown: any other gowns in public areas become automatically yours for the taking. Formal crockery with the college logo on it? You want it; you have it. How come we can do these things without as much as an iota of guilt? Where do we draw the line?

Luckily, I’ve recently realised just where this line lies. I’ve thought about it a lot. In fact, sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat because of it. How anyone can cross this line that I have discovered is beyond me, and I’m sure everyone reading this would agree. Here comes the point of my article:

STEALING DISCO BALLS IS NOT OKAY.

In fact, it’s sick. To the thief in question: how can you sleep at night, knowing that you have committed such a heinous crime?

So, I’m calling on all students, gown-stealers or not, to buck the trend, pay your way, and, most importantly, oust this evil monster. And let’s all learn a lesson: when inebriated, some casual robbery can be acceptable. But, it’s only too easy to go too far.

Author’s Note:

For those of you who have been living in a bubble for the past few weeks, some THIEF thought it would be funny to have away with Emma Bar’s disco ball: the heart of the establishment.

This is not okay. Luckily, midway through writing this article, the ball was returned. It appears that that Cambridge students think stealing is fine, so long as they do not incur the wrath of their Dean.