Parvizi Watches: Take Me Out

Take Me Out (Saturdays, 7.30pm ITV1)

Now let’s get real, there seems to be a culture in Cambridge to avoid facing up to reality; across our hallowed land people prefer football to rugby, they live outside the South East, have casual sex and watch television. To help us with our mission to become true citizens we have ITV’s Take Me Out and I’m going to put it straight out there I LOVE THIS PROGRAMME, realising that I may need to lock my door, grab hold of a copy of GQ, a Coke Zero and prepare for a feminist onslaught. This show takes us back to those days when you’d happily stay at home on a Saturday night with your parents, sit in front of the box and watch back-to-back TV classics such as Brucie ‘nyce to see you to see you nyce’ Forsyth flirt with Rosemary on The Generation Game, Jim Davidson’s now unfashionable racism on Big Break and that ginger femme fatale Cilla Black on Blind Date.

The latest classless crusader to batter down social divisions on a Saturday night is Paddy McGuiness, Peter Kay’s very own St. Peter. The opening titles and theme are suitable kitsch yet I assure you after listening to it once you’ll be humming it whilst buying smoked salmon in Waitrose. The format does just get better and better though; Paddy is introduced by the same guy who does the lottery as “Meet every man’s man and every woman’s woman” and our shaven-headed hero descends from a lift to rapturous applause. 

The aim of the game is simple there are thirty single girls comprised of beauties such as Maria, Tabitha and Daisy and others who seem to be there to check ‘it’s the beauty inside that counts’ quotas, a hunk or whatnot descends the lift of libido and said hotties or notties can turn off their lights after each round if they are not interested. Round One is very straightforward: is the guy fit?

Boy 1 Joel from Essex was pint-sized and a Crimewatch photofit of an Essex boy estate agent with a Y-reg BMW 3series but he did remarkably well after round one with only five girls declaring themselves out. Round Two is where the guy has to display a talent, Joel decided to speed rap a Chinese takeaway menu; sixteen more girls declared themselves uninterested , following St Paddy’s advice “remember girls naugh lykye naugh lytye”, by turning their light off. Joel was now left with the delightful Daisy, blonde Georgee and Alana and Natasha a pair of twins who are the perfect match for Jedward. But Alas, Gaia a Sonia Jackson from Eastenders lookalike was out, Claire a battered hag was out and Roz whose boobs were magnanimous was out. Round Three is where the girls watch a video of Joel and/or his family talking about him, cut to Joel stood in front of a semi, leaning on his blue BMW, purposely loose tie waving in the wind declaring “All this can be yours ladies” with Wham! Rap playing in the background (three more girls out). But Joel was still doing OK he had Kelly and Tabitha fellow Essex girls and Alana half a twin left yet he sounded his own death knell “I live with my parents…which effectively means I can’t bring girls back to the house”. No lights left. It seemed these girls love to go all the way. Joel was left to scale the stairs of shame to Celine’s All By Myself.

This show is truly representative of twenty-first century dating and makes for super entertainment. We also get the opportunity to watch the dates from last week at “Manchester’s premier night spot –” at which stage the whole audience shouts “Fernandos!” Product placement anyone? Last week saw many girls turn their lights off when the guy stated he was looking for a girl with moral values. Brilliant. Take Me Out seems to be the latest manifestation of burning your bra, the boys still enjoy it. It’s part meat market owing to its Deal or No Deal (with girls) format, yet Dragons’ Den as the girls can choose if they’re still in. However if more than one girl is left after the third round it is down to the guy to choose and surprise surprise (another Cilla Black classic) he goes for the best looking or the one who seems most likely to shag.

ITV have excelled with this delight and for those who are not quite prepared and brave enough to head into Cambridge on a Saturday night and meet Joel, Claire, Tabitha and Gaia for themselves along Regent Street this show serves as a perfect practicing tool.

Rating: Deal. Accept the banker’s offer. Enjoy.

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