The Race Is On
LOTTIE UNWIN warns Varsity and TCS to prepare for Failbreak
The Tab vs. TCS vs. Varsity debate is about to be settled once and for all. At 9.00 am on January 29th I will be left on Parker's Piece, in my ski jacket, with my purpose packed rucksack, a fully charged mobile and 36 hours to get as far away from Cambridge as I can without spending a penny. No more inestimable claims of readers, pretentious remarks or spelling mistakes. Miles can be counted and now the paper that gets the furthest is the only thing that counts.
For 36 hours I will be the world wide Tab rep and I can’t walk back into a meeting having failed. Like a modern day Scott of the Antarctic I will have to skulk off into Cambridge’s blustery streets never to be seen again, so fellow journalists, I mean business. Varsity and TCS, your broadsheet status gives you no advantage. Going to cross the Atlantic in a paper boats? No, I thought not.
The Jailbreak committee advise against single sex couples but I don’t have any male friends who I trust not to throw in the towel or to be honest, who I trust myself not to snog when things get really desperate on the Dover ring road. So, I have enlisted my friend Jo for no reason other than that she makes me laugh, sadly and stupidly not because she speaks Russian and/or is heiress to the British Airways empire. And why am I chosen rep? For so many good reasons, just none of them come to mind right now.
We have no plans at the moment other than supreme faith that our smiles and human kindness will save us. After 6 months travelling in South America – pretentious stories on request – I am very optimistic that we will be fine, but such confidence is completely unfounded. I have neither maps nor a compass but instead an expensive mascara (Penelope Cruz swears it will make anyone do anything for me) and worrying little common sense. More common sense than to involve myself in TCS’s pointless existence, but it did take me a cold 3 weeks to realize there was under floor heating in my room. A friend has offered me a big sum if I get to China and I felt obliged to ask whether the donation still applies if my organs find their way to the black market there.
Want to find out how many mustachioed Eastern European men I can have my photo taken with like one Tab writer? Or like my brother will you guarrantee me a one off payment if I get to Siberia? Last year one pair were sponsored 50p for every photo of them molesting a statue, got to Turin and raised a fortune. Please email me at [email protected] with donations or pledges and I will put my heart, soul and almost all of my dignity into making them happen to raise some money for some amazing local and international charities. Have a look at the list here.
Varsity and TCS, let the games begin. You wouldn’t want to be beaten by girls would you?
Follow my progress over the 36 hours with live updates on The Tab.
Want to get involved?
£16,000 was raised last year and this year the target is £20,000. The deadline is January 15th so if think you have the same spontaneous urge I had then there are still places and some time left. Find a form on the RAG website, fill it out and take it to the RAG office Old Examination Hall, New Museums.
Alternatively, if January 15th sounds a bit scary and you look on my lack of planning with disapproval sign up for ‘Hitch’ – a charity hitchhike to Prague or Morocco that raises money for Link Community Development, a charity that are improving standards of education in African countries. While I am going to have to try and scribble essays on the back of napkins you can take part in Hitch at any point over the Easter holidays. For more about procrastination Mother Theresa would be proud, Facebook is always the answer.