A Northerner’s guide to going to uni in the South

Crossing the North-South divide (in which the South does NOT end in Gloucestershire_ is daunting. But when you realise southerners are just like you but less able to hold their drink, it becomes rather fun.

As much as this might piss off my flatmates, you should expect everyone to sound a bit posh, even those who aren’t actually well off. Be prepared for lots of elongated vowels, making grass sound like ‘grarss’ and bath sound like ”barth.’ I know it can’t be helped, and it’s just as true that northerners simply can’t use the full word ‘the.’

Nightlife

Northerners are used to going out all through the year with no weekends off, regardless of weather. It could be the sixth Ice Age and you wouldn’t catch a northern girl wearing tights. Its wilder and looser Up North, and it seems to get tamer the further South you go. Leeds is the best night out hands down, with drinks cheap as chips, and by far the best clubs and warehouses. Tom Zannetti makes regular appearances on our Oxford pre-drinks Soundcloud, much to my flat mates’ disgust and annoyance.

Buying drinks

We just don’t do it. People here have more money, but it cancels out because everything down south is shit expenny. This is bad because the Yorkshire lot are tight arses when it come to money. But not all is lost, there are loads of ways to get round this at uni.

Here’s an example: taking a permanent marker out to replicate club stamps, thus avoiding entry fees, and hip-flasking every social event. Basically, it doesn’t matter that you can earn more down south, as everything is 10 times dearer. Three jaegers for £10? You’ve got to be joking.

Slang doesn’t seem to exist

Handbags at dawn – a shit fight.

Couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery – poorly organised.

Neither use nor ornament/about as useful as a chocolate fireguard – completely useless.

Chuddy – chewing gum.

Ginnel – an alleyway.

Why can’t we be friends?

Northerners are brutally honest, and the flat knows that if something needs saying I’ll be the one to say it. Be it to taxi drivers, annoying drunk girls, or rude bouncers. On the other hand, those living down South can appear more stand-offish and unwilling to make the effort to be friendly. This is not always the case though, as uni halls down south are just as open and fun as anywhere else.

Disclaimer – don’t be expecting doors to be held open, don’t attempt to make conversation with anyone unless they speak to you first, and definitely don’t try smile at babies in prams, or you run the risk of being offered psychological evaluation by a worried commuter.

Cups of tea

At some point in your uni life, your southern flat mates might try and offer you tea. Tea you ask? An offer to make your evening meal! How kind.  So when they bring a mug of what could only be described as an ominously pale, washing up water tasting drink, branded as ‘Typhoo,’ you can’t act shocked.

I’ve also noticed how my flat mates find it acceptable to drink ‘Earl Grey,’ or ‘herbal tea’ in the morning rather than the compulsory brew. Aside from the fact that green tea is for women on Weight Watchers who are trying to fight the ‘middle-aged spread,’ and Earl Grey is reserved solely for people living in residential homes, it’s just insulting when I’m trying to have a peaceful breakfast.

Imitation game

Please stop trying to replicate the northern accent – there are that many different dialects that you always sound plain wrong.

I had no idea how ‘foreign’ I supposedly sound to my flat mates until they explained to me that they had never met anyone who speaks so broad. My accent is very mild which I have stressed to my flat, but in Oxford, it’s the butt of many jokes, and my indignant response is usually poorly mimicked.

On a side note, Yorkshire Tea is the only hot drink worth drinking – apart from gravy. The regional identity and pride is immense in Yorkshire, and who wouldn’t be living in God’s Own County?