The Big Spender

You should have seen the warning signs by now. This is the sort of guy who happily dropped £1000 in fresher’s week on drinks alone. Eager to get the rounds in for now, it won’t last for long. They’ll trick you into a guilt-friendship more efficiently than a lame puppy, so be extremely careful.

The Hat Wearer

You know the sort. Whether it’s front row fedora wearers (be very, very cautious around these individuals), or the woolly hat-wearing goons in the middle rows. These people are clearly compensating for something. Don’t stick around to find out what it is.

The Promoter

Don’t be fooled by their pseudo-connections and trendy clothes, these people are here to make money from you. They’ll lure you to the most horrendous club nights with more fake enthusiasm than the Child Catcher. Although being on the Po Na Na’s guest-list might seem cool at first, you’ll realise that the only exclusivity you gain is being the only poor soul in there.

The Front Row Trouper

Even in a lecture theatre emptier than Keira Knightley’s fridge, they will happily sit on the front row. They’ll ask questions like it’s a moral obligation, and the lecture will have more stop-starts than a typical journey in a Toyota Prius. Don’t even think about sitting next to them or you might feel the need to get involved too. Oh and if you are forced to sit with them, then the whole lecture will be delivered at you personally. All of it.

The Rah

You’ll all have met one by now. In fact, a few of you reading this might fit the stereotype. Rumoured to have a base somewhere around Wills hall, you’ll be able to spot them from a distance by their red trousers and excessively floppy hair. You’ll be able to hear all about the high level of work involved in their History of Art degrees and all the love-dodecahedrons they’re caught up on your bus rides to and from lectures. Any response that isn’t ‘Wills Hall’ to a classic ‘where are you living?’ question will be met with a sympathetic, but ultimately patronising sigh and smile. Good luck.