University is a waste of your time

No matter who you are, you just haven’t done it right

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A levels are in the bag, summer is over and September is looming. You leave your cosy and secure home, a naïve little fresher, with a world of expectations of what uni will be like. Your brother tells you about all the girls he’s slept with and your sister raves about her crazy nights out, especially the one where she met Jamie Laing. This is what you’re waiting for. You. Are. Ready.

Why are we here?

Why are we here?

But what they fail to tell you is no matter what type of person you are and what you do at uni, you’re going to fail at it in one way or another. It’s time to face the facts: you will leave final year, having utterly wasted your time here. The Tab explores the possible sort of person you have become throughout your time at university and why this is a major fail.

The Party Goer

This type of student is easily spotted. Mainly seen at night, they will rarely emerge in daylight other than to hunt in desperation of food, water, or pain killers. When they are seen in daylight there is little they can tell you about their insane night other than “it was insaaaaane”. Their liver never seems to fully recover and neither does their lecture attendance. It’s easy to see where they went wrong. Although they look like they’re having the time of their lives, their third class at the end of their degree shows how actually, they have wasted their time.

Why did I go out last night?

Why did I go out last night?

The Library Addict

Their natural habitat is the library. They have their favourite zone all worked out from their first semester of uni where they know they will have good wifi, the right level of heat and light and an easy-access plug for their laptop. They will leave their belongings in their space, generally a computer study area, and will become aggressive when it is argued they have been there too long although they have just spent an hour at lunch. Again, it’s easy to see where they’ve gone wrong. The constant firsts can only get you so far, and while you may get the great job at the end of it all, you’ve made no friends, had no life-changing experiences and can’t really remember the last time you saw daylight. What a waste.

The Sports Addict 

Similar to the library addict accept their natural habitat is the Munrow Centre. Rarely will they be seen anywhere else. Whether they are there for group training or personal gym sessions they’ll do anything to stay where they feel comfortable. They think they’re cooler than the Library Addicts and the Party Goers because they keep in shape, supposedly don’t need alcohol to have fun and seem to have loads of friends because they’re on a sports team. But these students are also wasting their time at uni. You have your teammates, and I’m sure they’re great, but you don’t have much time to meet other people or do anything else for that matter. Training takes over study and leisure meaning you finish uni wishing you hadn’t taken sport so seriously. It’s just a game, guys.

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The Guild Wanker

No matter what society you belong to, or what position in the committee you have, no one likes you. Every other Guild Wanker thinks you’re the absolute bomb, you’ve got life sorted and your CV is going to be the best thing anyone has ever seen. But you’ve basically taken yourself back to school when you thought the “cool” kids mattered. Everyone else hates you, so really, you’ve wasted a lot of time and effort on something an employer, and your peers, will probably resent.

The All Rounder

Finally there is the All Rounder, what is thought to be the perfect combination. They play on a sports team, but it’s the thirds so there isn’t as much pressure. Then they go out about once a week, nothing too crazy but just enough to go on about their night, and say “it was insaaaaane”. And then they can still get up a little bit earlier, every so often to go to the library and thoroughly research an essay, easily smashing a nice 2:1. At the end of the day, you don’t really know what you’re trying to achieve. Sorry, you’ve not quite got it right either.

Overall, no matter who you are and what you do at university, there’s always going to be someone who thinks you’ve massively wasted your time.

You probably have. But just do it anyway.