The Difficult Life Of Thomas Smith

THOMAS SMITH needs room for himself and his ex-girlfriend at Nottingham University.

Hello again, you.

In the end I was glad I was unable to defer entry to Queen Mary, because I later realised that I would only be happy studying in the bustling city of Nottingham, the East Midlands’ “best kept secret”. Nottingham would be a laugh, but only if they have double beds in their accommodation to fit me and my ex-girlfriend…

[The following are genuine exchanges.]


Dear Nottingham University Accommodation,

I am very interested in applying to study Chemistry at Nottingham next year.

Last year, something terrible happened. I had been going out with my girlfriend, Louise, for 3 years. She was beautiful (blonde hair, blue eyes, you know the type), charming, lovely, sweet, clever – everything you could ask for in a girl. We’d do everything together, from bike rides at sunset to going for Sunday brunch at Nando’s. I know that at just 17 years old I’m a bit young to say I was in love, but I really think I was. When I wasn’t with her I wished I was, and when I was with her I never wanted to leave her.

However, tragically, Louise died when she was on holiday in Iceland last year. I think it was something to do with food poisoning. Anyway, since then, as a way of trying to cope, I’ve made a soft doll of Louise which I sleep with at night so it’s almost as though she’s there with me. The doll is life-size, so I need a double bed. Are there double beds in any of your accommodation?


Thomas x


Dear Thomas

I’m afraid that we don’t have any double beds in our accommodation. Yet our large single rooms contain three quarter size beds that you may be interested in.

Kind regards,

Sam Ellis


Dear Dr Ellis,

Many, many, many thanks for your pronto reply. A three quarter size bed may be appropriate for my circumstances. The life-sized ‘Louise’ doll measures 5″7′ and is roughly a girl’s clothes size 10 (so quite slim). Her width is approximately 30cm. I’m a fairly large guy (clothes size L). Do you think the two of us will fit comfortably in a three quarter size bed?

Thanks again, Sam.


Thomas xxx


Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your quick response.

I believe a large single study would be suitable. If you have any concerns though you could come along to our open day on either September 10th or 11th. Tours of the accommodation are available and you could see a typical large single study room in person, if you wish to bring the Louise doll along then feel free. Either way though we’re fairly confident that the room will meet your requirements.

Please, just call me Sam, I’m not a doctor.

Kind regards,

Sam Ellis


Dear Professor Ellis, (only joking!) Dear Sam,

Your idea of me coming along to an open day is brilliant, inspired. I will do just that – probably both 10th and 11th September so then I will get a feel for what it is like to be there two days in a row. Louise can’t wait either – she’s already started preparing a packed lunch to bring along on the day. We live in Manchester so it’ll be quite a day out for the two of us.

She’s hoping to meet some new friends there as well – we hear the people of Nottingham are very friendly. Thanks again for all your help, we’ll be sure to put in a good word for Sam Ellis when we attend both open days!

Yours forever,

Thomas xxx


Louise and I had a fantastic time at Nottingham’s open days, but it turned out the bed was not big enough for the two of us. At least there were still plenty of other universities to consider…

  • Noice.

    These articles make my day. I know they're silly, but I genuinely love them 🙂

  • I don't see

    the point of this. You're not showing up the other person to be an idiot or a prick or anything. If I had to I'd guess that they are aware that you are trying to 'troll' them.

  • Bin Laden

    Right! That's it, Thomas Smith is my next 'hoax' target!

    • Aren't you…


      • It's…

        A CONSPIRACY!!!

        • Bin Laden

          Not even Seal Team Six couldn't stop me!

  • Ella Raff


    • Ella Raff

      What does Spartacus mean?

  • Urgh

    so funny…

  • These are hilarious

    …because nothing dispels the "Cambridge students are a bunch of elitist bastards" myth better than sending tediously unfunny emails to other Universities wasting their time and yours with pointless "ladish" humour.

    • Robin Cooper

      Read Timewaster letters. Reconsider point about elitism.

  • Haters gonna hate

    These articles are great and wonderfully silly- I actually giggled slightly reading this one. Keep up the good work!

    • Hater

      Fucking hate this.

  • Frankie Rogers


    • Frankie Rogers

      What does spartacus mean?

  • Smiley

    Its really nice to read something that genuinely appears to have zero content.

    • Bristol


  • Shitbollocks

    Absolutely fucking shit bollocks



    • Curious "sutdent"

      Doesn't Nottingham teach you how to spell either? Hope they're not charging £9k next year…

      • ….

        apparently sarcasm isn't one of your strong points

    • Well…

      I don't have a double bed in my room…

  • umm


  • David Thorne

    I do it better.

  • Jonjon

    LOL XD

  • Bloody hell

    This is foul. I want to gouge my eyes out before reading another one of these. Hysterically unfunny, the fact that you chose to put this in the public domain shows, pure and simple, that you are psychotic.

  • Google

    emailsfromanasshole, learn how to do these email pranks properly, then report back. Cheers.

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