Mr ASBO: A Tab Tribute


Mr. ASBO has finally been moved from the Cam, to the delight of rowers and journos alike.

It is with a tinge of sadness and shit-load of relief that we can bring the news this week that Mr ASBO has finally been moved from the Cam. 

In one final twist to the protracted saga of Cambridge’s infamous aquatic hooligan, authorities were given emergency licence to move him 60 miles away from the city. The exact location is understood to remain a secret.

Rowers are relieved. Emma Walker, Caius W1, told The Tab: “It was always scary when ‘Captain beak’ came up behind you.”

ASBO hit the headlines nearly three years ago, when boaties reported his ‘particular taste for coxes’. Like any self-respecting young delinquent, his exploits were quickly plastered over the internet, attracting a Facebook appreciation page, spawning Youtube videos and courting the attentions of the national press.

The epic tale of ASBO has seen him survive a vicious assassination attempt, he has beaten a crippling bout of arthritis which threatened to leave him without a toe and he even weathered calls by Johns’ students to serve him for dinner in formal hall: only John’s fellows and the Queen have the right to do so.

For all his avowed enemies on the river, ASBO has picked up his fair share of admirers as well. These include bonkers local ‘Battleship Bob’ Middleton, who landed a £7,000 fine for disrupting 2011’s May Bumps in the interest of ASBO’s welfare, and ‘swan-whisperer’ Michelle Childerley, who claims to be capable of ‘communicating telepathically’ with our hero using only his photograph.

So long, and thanks for all the headlines

Perhaps ASBO’s finest hour, however, came when he made his national television debut on the BBC’s ‘The One Show’. Refusing to play along with Adrian Chiles and chums, the TV crew rented a canoe and proceeded to ransack his nest in the name of good television.

But as ASBO gets acquainted with his new life under the witness protection programme, it is worth remembering that there have been real victims to his antics over the years. Poor Tab reporters have had to squeeze every bit of life out of stale swan-related puns each and every time ASBO hit the headlines. From leaving his cygneture with oar-ful attacks on boaties to ASBO’s sore-toe mallardy, The Tab has taken on ASBO and has been left battered, bruised and beaten.

So it is with a grudging respect that we grant Mr ASBO this final swan-song. He has worn his title like the badge of honour it is supposed to be.

  • SWAN RIGHTS MILITIA

    BOATIES, BOATIES, BOATIES, OUT OUT OUT!

  • Sympathiser

    I know that Battleship Bob has caused a lot of disruption and aggravation, but are you really justified in calling him bonkers? Just seems a little petty to me.

  • Normal People

    Our elaborate ploy to reduce the number of rowers in the world has failed. First reasoned argument, now this.

  • http://chzderp.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/hurr-durr-derp-face-lool-cant-even-laugh-right.jpg LOLlers.

    HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA.

  • SWANLIBERATIONFRONT

    I speak on behalf of Swans all over the world. We cannot be criminalised like this, discriminated against and abused! We need to rise, riseeeeeee out of the water and take action against the abusers! Let us quack till they cannot hear and make so many baby swans that they can no longer punt down the Cam! We must rise to this occasion determined to improve our future!

    • just

      Shut up

      • SWANLIBERATIONFRONT

        WE SHALL NOT BE SILENCED. THE PEOPLE SHALL HEAR OUR CALLS.

        • SWAN RIGHTS MILITIA

          UNITE AND FIGHT. UNTIL EVERY SWAN IS FREE.

  • Breaking News?

    You do realise this happened last Wednesday – i.e. 9 days ago?

    The swan could probably have walked back to Cambridge by now…

  • Caius Men's Captain

    I'm proud that W1 call me 'Captain Beak', but can someone tell Emma Walker that there's nothing to be scared of?

    • beakybeak

      hi caius m1

  • astounded

    'it is worth remembering that their have been real victims to his antics over the years.'

  • bimley

    Wrong type of 'there' their…

  • Sexy nose

    Josh, where is your picture? Finally reveal your delightful visage to the world, the anticipation is killing us (me)!

  • Stalin

    I'll be back.

  • confused boatie

    If Asbo is gone, is that just one of his henchmen that hangs around Fort St George and attempts to jump on coxes? Ours had a hilarious reaction yesterday…

  • Mute Swan

    The exact location is understood to remain a secret.

    Cherry Hinton Hall.

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