Mr ASBO: A Tab Tribute

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Mr. ASBO has finally been moved from the Cam, to the delight of rowers and journos alike.

It is with a tinge of sadness and shit-load of relief that we can bring the news this week that Mr ASBO has finally been moved from the Cam. 

In one final twist to the protracted saga of Cambridge’s infamous aquatic hooligan, authorities were given emergency licence to move him 60 miles away from the city. The exact location is understood to remain a secret.

Rowers are relieved. Emma Walker, Caius W1, told The Tab: “It was always scary when ‘Captain beak’ came up behind you.”

ASBO hit the headlines nearly three years ago, when boaties reported his ‘particular taste for coxes’. Like any self-respecting young delinquent, his exploits were quickly plastered over the internet, attracting a Facebook appreciation page, spawning Youtube videos and courting the attentions of the national press.

The epic tale of ASBO has seen him survive a vicious assassination attempt, he has beaten a crippling bout of arthritis which threatened to leave him without a toe and he even weathered calls by Johns’ students to serve him for dinner in formal hall: only John’s fellows and the Queen have the right to do so.

For all his avowed enemies on the river, ASBO has picked up his fair share of admirers as well. These include bonkers local ‘Battleship Bob’ Middleton, who landed a £7,000 fine for disrupting 2011’s May Bumps in the interest of ASBO’s welfare, and ‘swan-whisperer’ Michelle Childerley, who claims to be capable of ‘communicating telepathically’ with our hero using only his photograph.

So long, and thanks for all the headlines

Perhaps ASBO’s finest hour, however, came when he made his national television debut on the BBC’s ‘The One Show’. Refusing to play along with Adrian Chiles and chums, the TV crew rented a canoe and proceeded to ransack his nest in the name of good television.

But as ASBO gets acquainted with his new life under the witness protection programme, it is worth remembering that there have been real victims to his antics over the years. Poor Tab reporters have had to squeeze every bit of life out of stale swan-related puns each and every time ASBO hit the headlines. From leaving his cygneture with oar-ful attacks on boaties to ASBO’s sore-toe mallardy, The Tab has taken on ASBO and has been left battered, bruised and beaten.

So it is with a grudging respect that we grant Mr ASBO this final swan-song. He has worn his title like the badge of honour it is supposed to be.



  • Sympathiser

    I know that Battleship Bob has caused a lot of disruption and aggravation, but are you really justified in calling him bonkers? Just seems a little petty to me.

  • Normal People

    Our elaborate ploy to reduce the number of rowers in the world has failed. First reasoned argument, now this.

  • LOLlers.



    I speak on behalf of Swans all over the world. We cannot be criminalised like this, discriminated against and abused! We need to rise, riseeeeeee out of the water and take action against the abusers! Let us quack till they cannot hear and make so many baby swans that they can no longer punt down the Cam! We must rise to this occasion determined to improve our future!

    • just

      Shut up





  • Breaking News?

    You do realise this happened last Wednesday – i.e. 9 days ago?

    The swan could probably have walked back to Cambridge by now…

  • Caius Men's Captain

    I'm proud that W1 call me 'Captain Beak', but can someone tell Emma Walker that there's nothing to be scared of?

    • beakybeak

      hi caius m1

  • astounded

    'it is worth remembering that their have been real victims to his antics over the years.'

  • bimley

    Wrong type of 'there' their…

  • Sexy nose

    Josh, where is your picture? Finally reveal your delightful visage to the world, the anticipation is killing us (me)!

  • Stalin

    I'll be back.

  • confused boatie

    If Asbo is gone, is that just one of his henchmen that hangs around Fort St George and attempts to jump on coxes? Ours had a hilarious reaction yesterday…

  • Mute Swan

    The exact location is understood to remain a secret.

    Cherry Hinton Hall.

  • His mom


  • His Dad

    you’re adopted.

  • Emilia

    What a slag he needs to learn some respect for himself or he’ll never get a decent girl a settle down. Disgraceful. Oh wait he’s a guy … Go on my son what a lad ….

    • Tom

      The flaw in this bitter feminist argument is that nobody is forcing you to date a promiscuous guy, you are just as free to reject them as we are to reject promiscuous women.

    • Deeck Faggutson

      Hello Emilia.

      I’m sure you’re familiar with the age old idiom of “A key
      that opens many locks is a master-key. But a Lock that is opened by many keys is just a shitty lock”. Did you know that there’s some fascinating evolutionary psychology behind this phrase?

      Consider our more “ape-like” ancestors and, indeed, many mammals alive today. It is a males prerogative, being able to ejaculate and potentially pass on his genes to different females a number of times a day, to sleep with as many females as possible to maximize the chances of success.
      However, if a female wishes to pass on her genes she must undertake a journey most dangerous and arduous, in the form of pregnancy. This is why it is of paramount importance to the female that she chooses the best possible mate, otherwise known as the alpha-male, to impregnate her. Accepting the advances of lesser males could potentially result in her giving birth to weaker offspring which are more likely to die, hence the entire process was a waste of time.

      The logical implication of said sexual habits is that alpha males impregnate more women, hence pass on their genes more often than lesser males. Indeed, this trend is supported by modern day studies carried out on Men and Women.

      Experiments have been done to understand how people perceive attractiveness in the opposite sex. A panel of men were asked to individually rate a large number of women on their attractiveness on a scale of one to ten. The results were quite regular; with the vast majority of women being of
      average attractiveness (e.g. a 4-6) and a smaller proportion of women being either very attractive (>8) or very unattractive (2>). It could be said that the results followed a normal distribution. However, when the genders were reversed, the results were quite different. The majority of men were rated as being unattractive (below 5) and only an extremely small proportion of men were labelled as being very unattractive. In science, Emilia, we call this a positively skewed distribution. These results indicate that as stated in the second paragraph, women are attracted to a far smaller group of better looking men (a.k.a. alpha males). Whereas men are attracted to a larger variety of women. Now I must apologise Emilia, for I cannot locate the study I am talking about. But thankfully for us all, like all good science, this test is repeatable. Why don’t you try some science yourself and see if you get the same results? Go ahead and ask your friends to rate attractiveness of people and record the results. Science is super fun!

      Another study, although not strictly relevant but interesting nonetheless, showed that (paraphrased) in a nutshell “the more sexual partners women have before marriage, the less likely their marriage is to succeed” whereas with men, “the number of sexual partners they have before marriage has a far smaller effect on their marriage”. Why do you think this might be, Emilia? I’m afraid once I’m being useless and can’t find a link to the paper itself. The best I can do is link to some grimey website called the Daily Mail who reported the
      study. I’ll post that if you wish.

      Anyway getting back on topic, what do these studies and comparisons to animals/our ancestors tell us? Well, regardless of how morally right and wrong it is for us to judge a women who is more sexually promiscuous than average, it does at least explain where the lock and key mind-set stems from.

      In my humble opinion, the evolutionary psychology I have talked about is still very much a factor in today’s mating scene. It is of no surprise to me that the women I know who sleep around most tend to have self-esteem issues and often mental health problems. Obviously this is poor anecdotal evidence but it’s a glaring consistency once someone has pointed it out to you. I believe this double standard is justified and that women who choose to sleep around are akin to our female ancestors who failed to choose the correct mate.


      Deeck Faggutson III

  • dfdf

    As a bitter virgin… :^(

  • NTU

    This guy is rapey as fuck he slept in a girls bed without permission and has been reported, he’s a fucking weirdo

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