All the disasters you’ll encounter in your new student house ‘just off Gloucester Road’

I’ve forgotten what heating feels like

Getting your first proper student house is something all uni students dream about right from the beginning. You and your mates excitedly trawled through Rightmove looking for your new pad, viewed what felt like hundreds of houses on Gloucester Road, celebrated when you finally signed the contract, and eagerly planned how you would decorate (how many tapestries can one house possibly need?).

It’s all gone so smoothly, the worst part is over, time to relax in your new place, right?

Oh wait, how naive we all were.

The landlords and housing agencies we once thought were oh so helpful are actually utter shite

You’ll probably realise this when something rather crucial happens, e.g. your shower stops working out of nowhere. When you call the number they provided with shampoo still in your hair, it just doesn’t work. You were pretty sure they provided an emergency number though, and doesn’t this count as an emergency? So you call and surprise surprise, that doesn’t work either. And when you eventually do get through, the plumber will be round after a long ol’ wait and do a half arsed job, classic.

Layer up your jumpers and hoodies because you’re in for a long cold winter

Why oh why did we not appreciate the ease and comfort of student halls when we could? We didn’t even need to think about the cost of the heating we had turned on almost constantly, but now that we actually see the bills that we’re paying? Nah. Head down to the charity shop and stock up on ugly jumpers because mate, you are going to need them.

Frostbite ready to kick in

All the marks and dirt on the walls make your new place feel like a modern art gallery

You expect your new place to be nothing less than pristine when you arrive, and are surprised by disgusting brown streaks, old food crumbs under the fridge, mould in the shower, and yes, believe it or not, pubes on the toilet seat. Bliss. Joy, a second year Sociology student, even had a slugs nest in one of her kitchen cupboards. No word of a lie.

Our housemates personal favourite piece

The amount of creatures living in your new place will have you convinced you’re living in some weird pet shop

Mice, rats, silverfish, slugs, whatever it may be, you’re bound to have some unexpected pets in your new place. It really isn’t the best thing ever to step out of the shower to be greeted by those weird little silver bugs gliding around your bathroom floor. And of course you can’t expect your landlord to do anything about it, dream on.

You will spend the rest of the year sleeping with a pillow over your head

If you chose a flat somewhere central, you’ll probably have to deal with a lot of racket. Thought your landlord would have invested in double glazing? Nah of course not. Better invest in some pretty good earplugs if you wanna sleep at all this year.

Better be prepared for eternal exhaustion

Bills, money, stress

Nothing can prepare you for the stress of paying your first bill, or at least trying to. First you had to assign the lead tenant which was stressful enough as nobody wants this job, then you have to call up and listen to some overly-friendly woman chat to you about what contract you want for your water bill, and you won’t have a fucking clue. I’d love to say that it will all get sorted and be fine in the end but there have been so many people who have thought that they have got away with not paying bills and at the end of the tenancy having to pay hundreds even thousands of pounds worth of bills. Not how you want to start summer.

And the broken friendships that will follow

Your best mate from halls is now your arch enemy, even though you didn’t live together in the beginning you pretty much spent the whole of first year talking about moving in together. The first month is great, just wait til the cracks start to show. And just a pre warning, it’s even worse if it’s somebody on your course; breakfast, lunch, dinner, lectures, library, kitchen, sofa, landing, you literally cannot escape seeing them. You’ll start arguing over somebody taking too long in the shower and using too much water, or not turning a light off when they leave the house, it’s a downward spiral.

not so smiley anymore

Good luck everyone, safe to say we all need it.

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