We might be at university, but we are as clueless as ten-year-olds

Seriously, how do you boil the perfect egg?

I remember being ten. The world was at your feet, Yu-Gi-Oh was still a thing, as was playing outside.

I also remember being in school – we had a teaching assistant in our class who was 20. She had a boyfriend and lived in her own flat. At 10, that meant that she was a grown up and had life figured out. I am now 20, I have a girlfriend, I live in my own flat and I don’t have life figured out.

Really, we haven’t actually aged at all since we were 10, we are all still very much clueless. Here’s why.

We still call our mums to ask stupid questions



Mum’s still know the answers to everything. For a first-timer, boiling an egg is far more difficult than it appears to be. How long are you meant to leave it in for? If you leave it in too long it goes rock solid, and if you take it out too soon is still completely raw and slimy. Help mum please.

We still don’t know how to cook the most basic things


This will work

“Can I cook pasta in the kettle?” I’ve tried this. It does work – but the pasta at the bottom gets stuck and burnt to the heating element. So maybe don’t try that.

I had an enlightening phone call with my mum last week about what I’m supposed to put in a Bolognese sauce. She suggested I add some red wine for flavour. I had no wine. So in went a bottle of beer. It wasn’t very nice.

We still don’t know how to wash our clothes


What is this

If I put my pants in the sink with some soap, that’ll work, right? And a bathroom towel rail is effectively a washing line, right??

When you have to pay four pounds for the Northfield Launderette, you’re not going to be able to afford to have separate washes for your coloured and white clothes. As the year progresses, all of your lovely white shirts will gradually turn to grey.

We still have no idea whatsoever about taxes


Is this even English?

Who is this ‘tax man’? Seriously. Does anyone actually know who the tax man is? Because him and I need to have some words.

We still don’t know what to do when we hurt ourselves


I’ve got a paper-cut, do I need to call 999?

Remember when we could run crying to mummy if we fell over and bruised our knee? No one is there to look after us now! I still don’t even like pulling plasters off.

We have zero self-control whatsoever

No one can tell me not to eat an entire bag of Doritos at 2am now.

When you’re at home, you know there’s a higher being a.k.a. mum and dad, trying to keep you on the tracks, especially when it comes to food. As soon as they are out of the picture we become, literally, children in a candy store.

We have no idea how to shop for ourselves


The co-op is a zombie-breeding ground.

You only have to walk into the Co-op on campus to see dozens of students walking around like zombies. You walk in, realise you have no idea what you need, buy some crisps and vodka, and walk out again. Who need nutrients?

We don’t know what we want to do with our lives


“I study computer science” “Cool, why did you choose that?” “No idea, it just sounded clever”

Everyone knows at least five other people who changed their course within the first term. We still can’t make up our minds. I still want to be Superman when I grow up.

We still need naps


More than ever.