The worst people in the Andersonian

In boringly predictable fashion, you’ve left all your revision to the last minute again this year, meaning 10 hour shifts in the library.

Today you’re in before 9am, open spaces abound, computers are free, and everything’s fresh and untouched, the silence broken only by the light far-away rattle of solitary keyboards.

 Sitting down, you know today will be a good day if you manage to avoid the following people, those who haunt every library in the country.

Too far: Tuna

The person cracking open a can of tuna, stagnant-smelling soup or homemade gammon sandwiches. The latter most aptly described by Frankie Boyle as smelling like “a charity shop in a heatwave.”

The guy with audible headphones listening to the same tinny bassline on infinite repeat, impervious to the dagger-eyes he’s getting from those around him, finger-tapping and head-rocking the whole time.

He was drumming very loudly to Basshunter

The gaggle of fresher’s clustered around the computer next to you for some godforsaken group project, where every thought tumbling through their head needs ejaculated for peer-review.

The mature student who brought in their kid who is now staring at you while swinging around on a creaky swivel chair and playing Angry Birds with the volume on.

That stainer you awkwardly slept with in second year and never spoke to again. It’s just wonderful when your eyes meet, isn’t it?

People saying “Oh well, I’m sure you’ll be fine” when they have absolutely no way of knowing that.

The person inexplicably hogging a computer and watching sitcoms for hours, laughing out loud seemingly on cue with the Pavlovian canned laughter track.

Hahahahhaa, Bazinga

And on your myriad water, food and toilet trips, variants of this bland conversation:

“Hey, what’s up? You got many exams?”

‘’Hey, yeah I’ve got three on X dates. So just struggling in here every day, you know.”

“Ha, yeah I’m the same. I’ve got exams too. I’ve just been revising.”

It is clear the conversation is now spent.

You fumble around your memory and produce: “So how is X, are you still staying with them?”

“Oh we fully stopped talking, like, last year…it was a whole thing.”

The pause reaches five seconds

“Oh right.”

“Yeah, anyway don’t stress! I’m sure you’ll be fine haha! Good seeing you.”

Indeed.

Many more library-distractors could be added to this list, they are obnoxious and everywhere. But, you need to go and revise now anyway. Unlike everyone else, we can’t promise that you’ll ‘be fine’, not even vaguely.