6 Types of People You're Most Likely to Meet on the Dance Floor

Every student club is filled with a  vast cornucopia of characters, but the dance floor is where all of them come together. Despite people’s best efforts to maintain their individuality, […]

Every student club is filled with a  vast cornucopia of characters, but the dance floor is where all of them come together.

Despite people’s best efforts to maintain their individuality, there are inevitably a few recurring faces. Any of these seem familiar..?

1) The Chino Wanker

You know exactly who I mean. These people are like toxic manchildren when drunk. Tall, muscle-bound rugby lads who often wear polo shirts, tan chinos and far too much cologne. They can probably consume enough alcohol to kill an entire generation of grizzly bears; heavyweight doesn’t even cut it. They often communicate using a series of grunts, inaudible noises, crude hand signals and crotch thrusts. Likely to be found in Urban Outfitters when sober.

2) The Shot Girl(s) 

Mostly skinny, sometimes blonde, definitely straightened, often bronzed. High hemlines and low necklines are a classic sign. Friends flank each other as they travel in small packs; after knocking back a few shots of cherry vodka (also known as the shot girl ritual) they compulsively hug anyone who passes by, before collapsing onto the floor, wailing and flailing, eventually curling up and resembling the 7:30 position on a hands clock. The leader of the group will ultimately be found crying in the bathroom, her natural habitat, whilst being comforted by her second-in-command. Lightweights come in many forms and the ‘shot girl’ is one of them. Love them or hate them, they’re here to stay.

3) The Mock-Hipster(s)

These are the whiny, artsy types mostly dressed in oversized cardigans, skin tight jeans and Doc Martens. Some sport bright tattoos and a variety of piercings, and at least one of them will claim to be in a band. A lot of them will often wear sunglasses inside. Why? Well, why not? For these guys, it’s more than just a look; it’s a lifestyle. I say ‘mock-hipster’ because we all know that being a real hipster is pretty much impossible now. They no longer exist, their species have been wiped out. That said, when in the presence of a mock-hipster, you can still smell the pretension from a mile away. Approach with caution, or at least a pair of Ray-Bans.

4) The Predatory 2nd Year

Female freshers, beware. These guys don’t mess around; you will at some point be targeted by one of these lecherous hunters. They will most often take up the infamous persona of the ‘White Guy Grinder’; alcohol makes them think they can dance and are therefore irresistible to all women. I sometimes refer to them as the ‘bears’ as most of them are essentially just large, hairy men in lumberjack shirts and ill-fitting jeans. They are the ones who try to start a chaotic conga line for the sole purpose of feeling you up. Don’t fall for it.

5) The Awkward Grad

This is the person who, as a fellow Tabber rightly pointed out, was forcibly dragged out by their mates, while in reality would rather be back in the comfort of their home, watching re-runs of Cash in The Attic on BBC iPlayer (and honestly, who could blame them?). They are a rare breed, but you can spot them easily in the undergrad crowd, as they’re either too sober for the room or too drunk to care.

6) The Lovey Dovey Couple

I call them the Face Suckers, for obvious reasons. The main culprits are heterosexual pairs who appear to be attached to each other’s mouths, and engage in tonsil-hockey sessions for the whole night; these guys redefine the meaning of PDA. We get it, you’re in love. But, seriously, just get a room. Or go home.

So there you have it. 4 billion years of evolution. Next time you’re at the watering hole, keep an eye out.

The real question though…which one are you?