An arbitrary number of reasons to GET CHRONICALLY WASTED during Freshers’ Week

I know that Freshers’ Week is all about letting go, having fun and celebrating independence, so if you were having any doubts about cracking out the VALUE VODDY here are a few reasons why staying sober may be a terrible idea.

1. Scummy Soton

Southampton is not a city you want to see sober. Start off pissed and slowly ease yourself into Pandæmonium.

A local delicacy in Southampton, usually consumed ALL DAY EVERY DAY.

2. Two legs good, ALL FOURS BETTER!

The worst situation imaginable is being the responsible, sober student looking after drunk fellow freshers. Stave off this potential tragedy by having a sip (or two) of Sotonions’ favourite beverage; anything with a trace of ethanol in. This includes (amongst others) antiseptic handwash from the SGH, paint stripper, rocket fuel or (debatably) Sobar vodka.

3. What happens in Jesters stays in Jesters…

That girl from the Solent Women’s Rugby team / boy from the Chess club was definitely a good call. Cheers beverage goggles. Without you a paper bag would have been necessary, and that is an expense no student can stretch to.

4. F*** THA’ POLICE!

Reason number four; providing entertainment for others with traffic cones.

Thinking otherwise? Don’t be so bloody selfish, fresher.

"He's got a cone on his head - ROFL LOL LMAO! What a fun loving guy! I had better become friends with him!" - a typical reaction to the classic yet witty 'cone on head' manoeuvre.

And having provided entertainment at the expense of your dignity (which is overrated BTW), what better way to forget than to crack open another can of Crunk Juice to have with (or on) your morning cornflakes?

6. Oceana – breeding ground of Willy Wonka’s Oompa-Loompa’s.

If you end up trying to go to Oceana, hopefully you’ll be too drunk to be let in and will be turned away. It’s for the best, trust me…

7. Can you hear the rowers sing? I can’t hear a f***ing thing…

Turning up to sports teams’ try outs having only gone to bed a couple of hours before, and then projectile vomiting onto an opponent will ensure you go down early as a legend… although perhaps you won’t make the first team.

Two students examining the inside of a fine specimen of bin following a spot of rugger. You don't want this to be you.

8. Late night haute-cuisine and wine tasting in Bevois Valley

The sooner you get pissed the sooner you are likely to head to Portswood. The sooner you head to Portswood the sooner you are likely to head to Tariq Manzils’ Indian Curryhouse, Chick-o-land or one of the other Michelin starred Southampton dining palaces. Living. The. Dream.

If these reasons still leave you craving a glass of water and for those bloody freshers to stop making noise and enjoying themselves in your flat, then here are some excuses.