How to deal with a serial cereal stealer

I really, really like cereal


The whole uni halls kitchen situation is pretty tragic in general.

Firstly, there’s the space issue. In a self catered kitchen, since when was all of my food ever going to fit on one tiny kitchen shelf, and in one measly cupboard?

Secondly, the food in general is an issue in itself. Gone are the days of Tesco Finest condiments and Waitrose Essential pasta sauces (sob, I miss you home). Instead, they’ve been replaced by off-brand ketchup and mouldy half-opened jars of pesto no-one wants to throw away in case it upsets another flatmate.

dorset cereals ain't cheap, yo

dorset cereals ain’t cheap, yo

However, it seems not everyone cares about upsetting their flatmates. Recently, my food has been going missing, in particular my cereals and condiments. I realised this when I went for my morning bowl of Krave, opened the supposedly “new” box, and realised there was barely enough for half a bowl.

After speaking to one of my flatmates, she too realised her supplies were mysteriously depleting, the culprit enjoying her instant coffee and milk far too liberally.

goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend

goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend

Therefore, maybe due to overdosing on Sherlock, (or maybe just because we got really fucking fed up), we decided to launch an investigation, combined with some ingenious booby traps.

stay mature forever

stay mature forever

This is how we tried to catch them

We left passive-aggressive notes:

curses are fine when written in cursive.

curses are fine when written in cursive.

We pretended to spoil our goods:

(I didn't really, I'm not a savage)

(I didn’t really, I’m not a savage)

We left subliminal messages:

to clarify, fridge magnet sets don't come with commas.

To clarify, fridge magnet sets don’t come with commas

In the end, we learned who it was and realised they’d never stop, so we gave up and kept our nice food in our rooms.

even tesco value isn't safe. (so the nespresso machine definitely isn't)

Even Tesco Value isn’t safe. (so the Nespresso machine definitely isn’t)

any tips on keeping sorbet cold in our rooms sans freezer are greatly appreciated

Any tips on keeping sorbet cold in our rooms sans freezer would be greatly appreciated

If you’re reading this, serial cereal stealer, you suck.