Let’s not pretend we don’t sneer at Durham when we pass it. They boast of academic excellence, the real Hogwarts experience, but is it really as good as everyone thinks it is?

Demographic

What’s more annoying than on Oxbridgeonian? Someone who desperately wanted to go but didn’t quite make it and are trying very hard to make Doxbridge a thing.

It’s safe to say we’ve had our share of Rahs from our Castle Leazes community but nothing competes with Durham in this department.

It only takes a second of loitering in the city centre to witness the extent of the Rah-epidemic and frankly, it’s quite a bizarre spectacle. Female Rahing (presumably to attract the male Rah) appears in a variety of forms – ‘dah-ling’ and the most abundant term ‘gap yah’.

Poor mummy and daddy, embarrassed about their Oxbridge reject child. Thank God, your sister got in to study History of Art at Cambridge.

Nightlife

Newcastle boasts of Digital, Grey’s Club, World Headquarters, Cosmic Ballroom and Tup Tup – to name a fraction of what is on offer – but what does Durham bring to the plate?

The infamous Klute which, for those that are unaware, was voted the worst club in Europe.

This place puts the club you went to in Zante to shame, but it doesn’t stop the third year students from sharking the starry-eyed freshers.

Parties

Jesmond’s renowned S&M and M&S party broke headlines last semester with their extensive sound-proofing and scantily clad women BUT when was the last time you read about Durham’s (rather tame) formal dinners?

Let’s face it, dinner parties are for when you’re reminiscing about the good ol’ days while you’re stuck penniless in a shit flat in Clapham.

Halls

Why go to Castle when you can have Castle Leazes? Us lucky lot at Newcastle can vouch for the luxurious lifestyle those at Castle Leazes lead. It’s own shop, pool room and cash machine are just are a few examples of what it has to offer.

If you’re there at the right time, you can even get rated on your outfit by a select panel of fashion critiques as you walk into reception. No fashion faux pas around Newcastle campus.

Although the exterior of Castle is fairly impressive, the rooms are a bit less royal. Mould, grim furniture and decor older than your grandma is what it offers. Life at Ricky Road, doesn’t seem as bad now, does it?

At least at Richardson Road they know how to have a good laugh, throwing orgies left, right and centre, and who can forget the pig with a cig?

When you thought their situation couldn’t get any worse, a handful of Castle students are even expected to share rooms during their first year. Must be awkward when you see your roomie getting down with your dad (College parent system – another weird Durham tradition).

Talent in the Toon

You could think that deciding whether Durham or Newcastle has better looking students involves some intensive scientific research. But a few hours in Klute proved all this time and effort to be in vain.

Mingling with those who are meant to be the brightest in the country fuelled may lead you to think that this may be the places that you will finally meet that hot, very middle class to-be investment banker. You would be wrong.

Instead, the most exciting thing to happen will probably be the drink spilt over you.

To keep it frank, I’m sorry, Durham but you don’t have what we do.You may be more intelligent, but you certainly can’t keep up with our looks.

Here’s some good looking people to look at:

 

Sports

The infamous NURFC boys are renowned around campus. The boys in red and blue are the heart of Wednesday night socials and have a strong BUCS record.

Meanwhile at Durham…

The prospect of playing Quidditch may appear intriguing. What not to like about flying around on the broomstick? Oh yeah, we can’t fly.

What you get instead is not really Quidditch as such, just a glorified version of netball whilst carrying a stick between your legs to represent a broomstick.

Durham’s Quidditch team, wittily named Durhamstrang, also seem ostracised by their own community. “They are a bit weird” said a member of Durham’s Ultimate Frisbee Team. Need I say more?

So there it is, an insight into why Newcastle is better than Durham. Prospective students, it’s time to make the right choice.