What your Pret drink order says about your grades
Here’s the tea
Do you fret about what you’re going to graduate with? Ever desperately input your module results into an excel spreadsheet? Maybe you’ve got your C-score memorised better than your mum’s birthday and your personal tutor shudders at the sight of your name in their inbox.
But there’s no need to wait until you’re clutching that £30k bit of paper to find out for certain – your regular Pret order already knows.
You’re on the grind like that Arabica bean. Harder working than most of your colleagues, you live precariously on the edge between hyper-focus and complete energy crash. I guess total exhaustion is just the price you have to pay to sound sort of smart in seminar. You’ll scrape a first and get a sensible job in middle management, go you.
Pret filter coffee means only one thing – you spent your entire student loan on alcohol, ubers and online shopping. You’re in that sweet spot between being too broke for a bougie coffee, and too lazy to make your own at home. Bonus points if you bring your own reusable cup to knock the price down to 50p, of course under the guise that you’re singlehandedly saving the planet. Erratic spending + laziness = 2:2, sorry.
Latte drinkers consider themselves above the stress. You strut through Strand campus with your exhibition tote bag and cigarette – you have places to go and people to see. You’re smart and you know it, but could be smarter if you spent as much time on your academics as your image. You’ll get a reasonable 2:1, and spend your life wondering if you *could* have done a bit more.
Having coffee in your hot chocolate when you were sixteen felt very grown-up. Having chocolate in your coffee during your degree is sad. You are stuck in a teenage mindset and it shows. Your Pret beverage is a sign of a deeper immaturity – you will realise that university is a different world than you expected, and you will be the token drop-out of your year.
You’re smart, stylish and sophisticated, or very good at pretending to be. No doubt you’re an artsy type, relying on your innate creative genius to carry you through your degree. It comes down to whether you put the work in, or you just expect everyone to fawn, “ugh, your incredible mind” at every black and white photo you take of the London skyline or your attractive friends. You’ll either effortlessly bag a first, or you'll fail, there's no in between.
Good luck on your GCSEs! Seriously, hot chocolate is for nans and children, the age groups most susceptible to dying off in cold weather. You want to stay warm, I understand, but this relaxed attitude to caffeine intake does not bode well for your degree. 2:2.
You’re not messing around with any of that milk or water nonsense. You’d cut out the middleman and have the caffeine injected straight into your bloodstream if you could. Your social life is floundering and your mum is worried about your unpredictable mood. You'll get a first if you don’t collapse during the exam.
What are you trying to achieve here? Are you pregnant? You love the taste of bitter bean water but want none of the benefits? You’ll get a 2:1, unaided by chemical stimulation, and everyone you know will secretly hate you for it.
Tea drinkers have reached a kind of zen that the rest of us can only dream of. You are the wise, motherly friend that comforts and soothes the espresso drinkers when they feel like they’re Definitely about to Die. Your notes are meticulously neat, somehow even quite beautiful. Nobody knows how you do it, but you’ve figured out how handle your degree with a sense of calm and dignity. You’ll get a first and live a humble but satisfying life.