These are the worst kind of clubbers, as told by a DJ

So it’s the end of a long week of studying. You’ve hit the pre-drinks very hard and now it’s time to stumble out into the street and make your way to the club.

But if you're not hearing the music you want to hear desperately, how the hell do you settle this issue?

Below is a comprehensive list of everything you can do when you’re drunk and in a club that will really annoy the DJ, from the perspective of a DJ – and trust me, it ain't pretty.

Forgetting your request

You’ve mustered up the courage to go up to the DJ booth and ask for your song to be played – fair enough. But you don’t remember who the song is by, or what it’s actually called – so you think humming the melody is a great shout! Chances are, the DJ has created a set list that they’ve planned ready for the night, if you’re going to make a request, at least make sure you know what you’re requesting, because a club isn’t the place for a guessing game.

Or worse, asking for pointless requests

There are quite a few different types of these, like asking for a song that's already been played, a club classic when there's nobody there and you're the one 'in charge' to make it lit, and what kind of advice do I need from a fucked dancer about aesthetic?? We’re not going to play songs again and the DJ is DJ’ing for a reason, we don’t need advice on what to play, when to play it, and what effect it will have on the crowd.

Don't bring drama to my table

Bringing your drink to the DJ booth when you’ve had too many already

Seriously, don't do this. Last time I checked, the decks we’re using don’t have a coaster for your drinks as a hidden feature included in the instruction manual. It’s also not cool to combine your full glass of booze with your shaky hand, and have you shaking it about all over the place on our cables and equipment.

I’ve had Red Wine spilled on my MacBook, it’s really not cool. It’s expensive stuff, and it’s not yours, have some respect – we don’t want to be reminded of what you were drinking that night, just like you won’t in the morning.

Touching the DJ

If the DJ has got their headphones on and are quite evidently listening to the next record to blend into the mix, then there’s an imaginary ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the booth – seriously! Don’t tap or poke the DJ to get their attention, let them finish their next mix or transition before trying to interact with them, otherwise you’ll just get ignored or told to leave.

Dancing in front of us will not help you

Don’t treat the dance floor like your audition for Diversity, we really don’t want to see some quite horrific moves, scaring people away from the floor – go on Britain’s Got Talent instead. Also, the Robot has never in any way been cool, nor is it the 1970s, so please don’t pretend to be John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever. Other than people who try breakdancing, people who are awkwardly bad at dancing are more funny than annoying. But, eventually your drunken body will jerk around one too many times, so you end up crashing into the front of the DJ booth and unplugging something important – just don’t try to dance when you’re smashed, stay in the toilet instead.

Expecting your song to be played next, or at all

If you’re requesting a song, don’t stand on the dancefloor and wait for it – you’ll look really dumb. A DJ prides themselves on creating a mix, blending each track to form a great night with great music. They’re not going to just interrupt their rhythm to play a song just because you asked for it. Equally, if it’s a really high energy, grooving Garage set, this isn’t the time for requesting Nicki Minaj honey. The night is not centred around you, so if it’s not a Cheese Hits night, then a Miley Cyrus montage probably isn’t going to be played, or hopefully never would in any circumstance.

Pretending to be on the guest list

There’s a reason you’re not in the DJ booth pal, you’re not the DJ. Please refrain from shamelessly self-boasting on your Snapchat story by sneaking a picture from behind us while we work. We also don't have an iPhone charger you can borrow, nor can we just look after your coat and bag for you. Stop thinking you’re boujee, get on the dancefloor and just enjoy the music.

Will you remember to take this advice come Friday night and you’re off your face because you only have 3 books to read and 0 essays to write?