Despite our best efforts to be individual and interesting, at uni house parties, everybody seems to gravitate towards these 7 familiar types. You think you and your group of friends are unique? Think again.

1.       The Loud One

Their booming voice is the first thing you notice as you arrive. They like to be the ‘life and soul’ of the party, but in reality people generally just wish they’d shut up.

‘CHUG IT MATE. IT’S BANTER.’

2.       The Quiet One

They could be loitering in any corner, often frowning into their smart-phone and being generally mysterious.

‘If I can’t see you, you can’t see me, right..?’

3.       The Sleazy One

This type is split into two sub-categories:

Type 1 opts to lurk in the shadows. Their more passive method of sleaziness means they’re pretty harmless… as long as they’re given a wide birth.

‘Just carry on like I’m not here…’

Type 2, on the other hand, will probably be touching you before you see them… AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE.

At least this one isn’t  too hard to identify.

4.       The One That Got Too Drunk

There’s always one who doesn’t know their limit. Usually unconventionally intertwined with an item of furniture of their choice – if you’re the host, it is in your best interests that this happens to be the toilet.

‘Don’t mind me – just checking the sink is properly attached to the wall.’

If they assume a more accessible position, on a sofa or just sprawled out on the floor perhaps, fellow party-guests will inevitably take advantage of the situation:

He wasn’t even drunk – just wanted to know how he’d look with a goatee.

5.       The Kitchen-Dweller

Claiming to stay loyal to the heart of the home for various reasons, including the superior conversation or just that they hate the “edgy” occupiers of the living room (see no. 6), it is a truth universally acknowledged that the true reason for this lifestyle choice is easy alcohol access. And there’s nothing more to it.

Your dancing won’t fool us. We know your game.

6.       The “Edgy” One

These lot tend to accumulate in a particular territory, which they will then claim as their own. Under the influence of a drug of their choice, and probably wearing something tartan/leather/extremely fitted, this group also have a fondness for piercings and/or tattoos. Not to mention their deep conversations, which will inevitably unfurl as the night progresses.

Haters gonna hate.

 7. The Documenter

These party animals have a good time by tweeting every detail of their night, sporting hashtags along the lines of #houseparty  #cantbetamed #shotssss… Then, since they are usually also budding photographers, you will hear the shrill cries for a “SELFIE”/”GROUP PHOTO”/”FULL LENGTH SHOT” etc…

The next day you will receive approximately 27 Facebook notifications from this person, with the dreaded words ‘____ has added a photo of you.’

NB: THIS PHOTOGRAPH WAS TAKEN IRONICALLY AND STRICTLY WITH THE PURPOSE OF EXHIBITING THIS ILL-FAVORED LIFESTYLE CHOICE

So the next time you’re at a house party, perhaps take a tick-list?

But rest assured that at least one of these will be you.