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A definitive guide of how to pretend you’re from Cardiff Uni if you’re from Met

We all know it’s your dream to be part of the Russell Group

You're going to Cardiff, you've got the grades and finally have the chance to prove yourself to your parents. Except one small detail. You're going to Cardiff Met, not glorious Russell Group Cardiff University.

Don't get me wrong, Met is one of the best for sport. I mean, realistically your rugby team could probably smash Cardiff's. But when you go out on the pull you're instantly cock blocked by any trimmies from Cardiff Uni. Your "Yeah, I'm studying Sports Coaching" chat up line only seems to secure yourself a fellow Met student- heartbreaking.

But, I'm here to save you. Follow this step by step guide and you'll be on your way to pretending to be that successful Cardiff Uni student you always dreamed of being- with a flock of attractive, intelligent students heading straight to your bedroom.

Ditch your Soda Wednesdays

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Look, I know Soda Wednesdays is your 'thing'. It's where all the teams unite and you have a deep rooted love for the place like no other. But you're not gonna find any fit Cardiff Uni students there for shit. So, instead, head to the SU. Once you're in, hide your student card ASAP.

Ladies, head straight to the rugby corner. You'll instantly be able to bullshit your way into the ride of a lifetime with a hunky Cardiff boy- little will he know you're splurging 9k on Met.

Gentlemen, you've been breaking hearts since you learnt to speak, so there's no doubt you'll be able to lie your way into a Taly bedroom.

'Change' course

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Time to study for the 'real' degree you're now doing.

So you've got yourself in to the SU, congrats. Now you need to pretend to be a student studying a proper degree- you know, a Cardiff degree. For some of you this won't be an issue because you're not actually doing a sports degree. However, the rest of you all have 'sport' somewhere within the title. Time for a change aye?

Pick an easy degree. Like English Lit. No one gives a shit what book you're studying. DO NOT go for medicine though. Everyone who does Medicine knows everyone, so if you start claiming your part of that clan you're going to get caught out easy.

On that note, talk about something other than sport

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Oooo I'm from Cardiff Met and I play Hockey

Well done, you know everything about football, cricket and hockey, as well as lacrosse and god knows what else, but I hate to break it to you, us Cardiff students talk about more than just some sort of ball on a pitch.

You have to expand your knowledge to bag yourself a Cardiff Uni student. Talk about politics, the news, even a TV programme you enjoy- extra points if it was filmed on the Cardiff Uni premises.

Wear literally anything except sports gear

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Why is it that all you lot wear is sports clothes? The same shorts, t shirt, sweater and trackie bottoms and that's literally it. Such a pity. Often complete with that little Met logo too.

Expand that wardrobe your mum clearly bought you and wear something nice- show you have actual style. This will immediately cause disassociation from Met and means that others will actually find you attractive. Sorted.

Pretend you live in Cathays not Roath

"Roath? Where's Roath? I don't know because I live in Cathays." This should be your response to everyone. Say you live on Woodville Road, because everyone knows Woodville and you can't go wrong with that.

If you're a first year, you live in Taly South. Let everyone know it's loud but it's nice to live in such a social area, the McDonalds is a proper sort and having Taly Tesco makes your life ten times easier.

But make sure you go back to theirs if you manage to pull, to avoid any unfortunate association with Roath. If all else fails, pretend you got kicked out your house and had to move in with a load of randomers from Met. Definitely believable. I think.

Infiltrate the Cardiff v Swansea Varsity

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What better way to pretend to be a Cardiff Uni student than to literally attend the Varsity. If you do this, you've made it to be honest.

Ditch your Bath Varsity, where none of your decent players play, and attend a real sporting event. Get yourself buddied up with the Cardiff Uni person you're shagging and I'm sure they'll sort you a ticket. BOOM.

Get yourself a girlfriend or boyfriend from Cardiff

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"Wow perfect girlfriend material these ladies" – A Cardiff Met Student.

Right this is definitely easier said than done but completely possible. You may be Met but you definitely have a soul in there and secretly a lot of feelings. There's no better way to get yourself involved in the 'uni of' life than literally BE with one of their finest undergrads. This equals complete success, you've basically won the lottery if you bag yourself one of these.

Just be grateful you're not at Swansea

What sort of SU is this.

If worst comes to worst, just be grateful you're not at Swansea. And if that doesn't make you feel better? USW. I know, I forgot there were three Universities in Cardiff too.

All in all, you've just got to fake it till you make it, bag yourself a partner and you're all set. But like I said, let's all unite and be grateful we're not at Swansea or USW. We both did something right.