How to lose your housemates in ten days

Living in a shared house can be the best experience of your life or it can be the worst.

While living with your best friends with no parents and no rules might seem like the greatest thing in the world, the annoying little habits of your friends become more grating when you have to share loo roll and a tea towel with them.

However, you’re not perfect either. Your inability to put the toilet seat down is probably far from charming. So, in true Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey style, I present the ten worst housemate habits.

Washing up? What washing up?

They own endless plates, bowls, saucepans, knives, can openers and yet cannot seem to wash a single one up.

While you’re not totally innocent of this, the layer of mould and lack of worktop space does become an issue after a month or two.

When confronted the usual response is, ‘I’ll do it tomorrow.’ They wont.

The 24-hour DJ

Their mega speakers come in handy at parties and pre’s. Not so much at 4am the night before your exam. Also their questionable music taste just intensifies the whole situation. Riverside was a tune, three years ago…

Yes, we get it. You got lucky tonight and you’re enjoying it. But do you really need to bang on the wall? Or howl?

It’s not only single housemates that are the culprits. I’ve been having a shower and have heard the lovemaking of my housemate and her boyfriend on the other side of the wall.

It somehow makes you feel both violated and a bit of a perv at the same time.

You walk into the kitchen and see the tell-tale neon yellow squares stuck on the fridge. What is it this time? ‘Someone has put their butter on MY shelf! Please remove immediately!’

While it’s nice to have such friendly reminders of your wrong-doings, isn’t it easier to speak in person?!

Also, how much power do they think a post-it note possesses? Surely it could accidentally fall off the cupboard door and into the bin… Whoops!

What’s mine is yours

It’s been a long day of lectures and you’re really looking forward to the leftovers of last night’s curry that are waiting for you in the fridge.

But when you get there, the cupboard is bare! A splash of milk and spread of Marmite here and there isn’t an issue but when half a tub of Ben and Jerry’s or, even worse, five fingers of vodka go walkabout, shit’s gonna go down.

The hog

They’re really into two hour showers first thing in the morning and always seem to have a load of laundry on the go. Want to make some dinner? Oh no, you can’t because they’ve got three pans boiling and something in the oven.

You find yourself constantly watching TV on your laptop because they HAVE to watch Jeremy Kyle all afternoon. Can you actually use anything in your house anymore?

How can someone have so much stuff?

Half of the bathroom shelf is taken up by their lotions and potions, they NEED two cupboards in the kitchen and every single surface houses one of their many belongings.

On your way into the house you routinely trip over their many shoes/umbrella/discarded items of clothing which are responsible for many of your cuts and bruises.

You should probably start charging them for all the plasters you use.

The bank of you

The housemate that always seems to ‘forget’ their wallet on a night out. And at the supermarket. And in the queue at Topshop. It’s OK, you can lend them a tenner just this one time, they promised to pay you back…

But the odd 50p for chewing gum gradually adds up and no matter how many times you remind them or give them your account details, they don’t quite get it.

Clean freak

After a week of moving in they’ve already compiled a cleaning rota, a bin rota, and arranged the products in alphabetical order.

No one WANTS to live in a pit but they take it to extremes. Crumbs on the kitchen floor? An unwashed mug on the side? You forget to scrub the toilet on your Tuesday? All hell will break loose. Be warned.

Party animal

While you love going out as much as the next person, they seem to be out EVERY night. And pre-drinks is at your house EVERY night. And they crash the door open and loudly make chips at 4am EVERY morning.

Yes, they’re really good fun when you go out and they always seem to know the best places to go, but you always wake up the next day, skint, phoneless and unable to move.