Cambridge Clubbing: The least fun you’ll ever have

Let’s be real. I don’t know where we are in Freshers’ Week that you’re reading this, could be day 2, could be day 5, but by this point it surely has not escaped your notice that on the spectrum of fun things to do, “clubbing in Cambridge” comes far below spending a week in one of those refrigerated trucks used to transport poultry, and only scores marginally higher than, I don’t know, getting marooned at sea.

The point that I’m largely making here is that, it’s a bit shit, isn’t it?

Half your friends are at Leeds and you’ve spent two weeks watching their relentless “ntss ntss ntss” snapchat stories of themselves getting down and dirty in Beaver Works. You’ve actually allowed yourself to become excited, you poor, naive fool, at the thought of PaRtyING!!! PeoplE!!!! PlACes!!! And potentially, beavers.  

Sadly, the only Beaver Works you will be getting in Cambridge is you during your week 6 essay crisis. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Can you get more basic/mainstream than this?

Anyway the point is, without this article, and me, your wise, all- knowing, fairy godmother, guiding you through the hell- er, I mean new and exciting experience, that is Cambridge Freshers Week, (or should I say long weekend as it is literally four days long) you would be a goner. So read on, young pal.

Firstly, to have an enjoyable night out in Cambridge you need to be madly and wildly drunk. Really, I could just end this article here, get drunk, don’t drink gin for Christ’s sake it only makes you depressed, and then just leave it at that. But I’ll continue. I will say that if you don’t drink or can’t drink I really don’t know how to help you. I guess just spin around in a circle for about 10 minutes? Get your friends to help. Then go out. Then whenever you feel the dizziness wearing off, do some more spinning to keep yourself going. It’s a bit long winded but if people see you spinning around like a sort of demented lottery ball in jeans, they’ll probably think you’re drunk, you’ll feel drunk, so it’s like all the fun without the expense. 

This tip might seem basic but trust me you need to be somewhat out of your mind to at least slightly enjoy going to Cindies, so it’s absolutely imperative that you heed my advice here.

Now that you have achieved point 1, your next move is to dump Barbara from down the hall. Now Barbara helped you move in, she’s very friendly, and seemed nice at first, but you’ve since gone into the communal kitchen and realised that she has a cupboard filled with nothing but endless jars of Dolmio pasta sauce. In short, she’s a bit bizarre.

She went to a girls school so is unhealthily competitive about literally everything and thus forces you to be the first in the queue for the club at all times. Also, she’s probably from the home counties, so just definitely avoid at all costs. Don’t put people like Barbara in the group chat and be stuck with her in pres for the rest of the year. Pres are the best bit of going out, you don’t want to cut them short by being outside Cindies by 9:45. Break it to her gently, tell her you’re more a pesto kind of person, and do not go out with people you don’t genuinely like. You will inevitably end up looking after them when they are absolutely gone. You didn’t listen to your college medical talk. You don’ t know what you’re doing. Save yourself before it’s too late.

Don’t be fooled by Barbara’s cute aesthetic

Sorry – got a bit heated there. This is all bringing back some mistakes from yesteryear..

My next top tip is to bring your iPod and headphones out. When they start unironically playing Circle of Life, you’ll understand why. Perhaps even before then. Also this way you will look like you’re at a very groovy one person silent disco, it will be a great conversation starter. You’ll immediately be on the BNOC list, will probably get your photo taken (admittedly for looking like a twat) by the roving photographer, which is the only real reason to go out anyway, and overall you’ll have a 12/10 time.

And finally. The bit of advice for the people who have reached the bottom of this article. I am going to be brutally honest. You may even want to sit down. Hold someone’s hand. Take a deep breath. The best way to have a good night out? Pre-drink. Dump Barb. Walk down the street. Walk past Life, walk away from Cindies, avoid Fez, laugh condescendingly at Lola’s. Go to Market Square. Get a Van of Life. Eat and be merry. The only way to have a good night out is to skip the night out bit.

That look when you realise you don’t have to spend £5 per week to have a mediocre time.

Sorry about that. Can come as a bit of a shock sometimes. I promise you by the end of the year your sense of what the word fun means will be so distorted that you won’t mind at all, even just a little bit.