I drunkenly wrote an article on pulling after a night in Cindies

I awoke the morning after to find a hangover, a mysterious hat, and a Tab article.

Presented now in all its glory (with a couple of edits for clarity), here is Drunk Me’s attempt to guide the men of Cambridge through acceptable clubbing behaviour.

The hat in question

I will freely admit I do not have the best track record when it comes to pulling on a night out. From falling for lines like “Do you want to see a medieval roof?’ (I genuinely thought he was just going to show me some architecture around Cambridge and not back to his room), to going through a bit of a phase of just running away from any guy who smiled at me, it’s a miracle I’ve managed to function as a human at all.

However, gentlemen, I do believe that we need to discuss some sort of etiquette for how it’s acceptable to behave. The aim of this guide is to turn you into the sophisticated, non-creepy, smooth pulling machine you have the potential to be.

1. No trying to get with people after 2.00 am.

I’m sorry, but it’s just not going to happen. Either you’re too drunk by this point to be smooth, or you’re just trying to get with people you’d previously written off, but are now considering again because you’re desperate.

And if someone is trying to hit on you, you know it’s because of just that. Can we please just all agree to stop now? The guy in Cindies who tried to hit on me whilst stroking a toy koala – take note.

Not an acceptable state in which to pull.

2. Do not yell crude remarks

Seriously, has this ever worked? Do they sit boys down in secondary school and teach them “Hey, you know the way to get a girl? Tell her she looks fuckable. She’ll immediately fall in love with you and not be scared shitless at all!” No. Just no.

3. Walking past a girl in a club is not an excuse to grab her waist.

And where do you guys learn this?! A casual grope is NEVER OKAY! I’m 100% sure you can manage to get through the dance floor without using my body as a support mechanism. If not, bring crutches next time.

Boys who don’t grasp consent got me like.

4. Either talk to them or leave them alone.

Don’t just dance near them staring for 20 minutes. They will notice and get scared. Either approach straight away or not at all. And if they say no, just walk away. It’s not gonna happen.

5. No grinding

We are not 15 and at an awkward school disco. Please stop. This also includes backing into a girls’ dancing space until you’re butt to butt. Seriously, not sexy at all. Ladies, if this happens to you, I would recommend an aggressive elbow dance. Works like a charm.

So, gentlemen of Cambridge, please take heed. We all want the fairy tale romance that inevitably starts with a drunken rendezvous, but let’s all play nice while we try and get there, eh?