This week’s guest Agony Aunt: UKIP Pete

Now that Caesarian Sunday is over, the agonies of exam term are upon us at last. To the freshlings among us, get set for the next five weeks of your lives to descend into caffeine-infused catatonia, panic attacks over missing stationery, passive-aggressive library warfare and waking up screaming five times a week because you dreamt that you missed your last exam. To the more seasoned Cantabrigians: welcome back to the fiery pits of hell.

Where all joy comes to die

And yet… there is hope on the horizon. A voice in the wilderness. A comforting shoulder to cry on.

Faced with the void left by the likes of Dr. Dick and Tabatha the Tabulous Tabony Aunt, The Tab has enlisted the special help of a series of guest agony aunts who will be at your beck and call every Tuesday to offer their own unique perspectives on your exam term traumas.

Today’s advice comes from UKIP Pete. UKIP Pete is that little-known Land Ec kid you always see around college looking very intently into people’s eyes and making smalltalk at the Buttery about the far-flung suburb of Birmingham he hails from. He seems like an innocent yet harmless oddball at first, but that shitty haircut is harbouring a very controversial political stance entirely at odds with his position in life. He’ll grow up to be the prematurely balding tyrant of the mediocre office environment. Yes – they walk among us, too.

You’ll have seen UKIP Pete slobbering over this fine specimen at King’s the other week

Dear Agony Aunt, I’ve almost finished my first year as a Land Ec in Cambridge. I had such high hopes coming here but no-one takes me seriously. What can I do?! — Samantha

Oh Samantha. How I feel your pain. No one takes me seriously, either. They say that our degree isn’t real, but I’d like to see a Mathmo explain the impacts of spatial planning regulations upon the average real estate developer. ‘Tis a world they know nothing of, much like all those squiggly little lines in their formulae look to me just like that Wingdings-type gobbledegook my Chinese neighbour keeps writing all over her things. Is it language? Is it art? Who can tell.

Don’t worry though- to be honest, I’m not too fussed over this whole degree malarkey anyway. Our Esteemed Leader didn’t even go to university, and look where he is now. Besides, Land Ec will come in extremely handy when we’re working out what bits of land we can build more nuclear missile launch sites on and re-distributing all the jobs the foreigners have been stealing from Average Joe all these years. Thank God we have a large arsenal of highly trained doctors, accountants and police officers just hanging about on the dole. Knew they’d come in useful.

Nigel’s just one of the lads deep down

Dear Agony Aunt, I slept with someone, he might be gay and now he won’t look me in the eye. How do I break the ice and confront him about what happened? — Grace

Dear Grace, I wouldn’t worry too much – if he’s gay, he isn’t classified as a real human deserving rights, according to Our Esteemed Leader. That’s why we haven’t mentioned LGBT+ rights once in the entire manifesto – they’re just not worth our time. Much like most of our policies, we’re just kind of hoping to wing it and make something up when/if the moment comes.

On a serious note though, it does sound like you need to talk it out. I find that the best way to find out what someone thinks about something is to say something really, really bigoted and controversial about it and see how they react.

For example, test the waters by showing him a picture of someone famous and gay and calling him/her a “fucking disgusting old poofter”. Nods in agreement? Probably not gay. Punches you in the jugular? Best to walk away. 

People whose rights we think are worth a mention in the manifesto: pro-smoking lobby, Fathers 4 Justice. People whose aren’t: LGBT+ community

Dear Agony Aunt, I don’t like to admit this with my friends. But UKIP does it for me. No, not politically. But they really float my boat. Especially Patrick O’Flynn and his perpetual sneer. It really turns me on. The problem is – Huppert’s beard is pretty enticing too. Fernando’s voice is like thick, sticky honey and I’m pretty sure Read would be amazing in bed. I wouldn’t be asking about this except that I’m undecided and pretty much the only way I can make up my mind is by measuring my penis length when their name is mentioned. This is not healthy. Please help. — Ardent Admirer

I don’t know how to answer this question a way that would not offend the Gospel and rain storms and floods upon us all. And I for one am pretty keen to minimise the inevitable consequence of rain, and the absolute bane of Cambridge existence: chronic Wet Bum Syndrome. However, I am approving of the “thick, sticky honey” analogy. Whilst the Greens may have pledged to “help the bees” by reducing pesticide use in England, we’re confident that as soon as all the foreigners are gone, taking their bees with them, the humble British bumblebee will prosper once more, just like our beautiful nation.

I cannot confirm whether Read is “amazing in bed”, but if some of our other MPs’ part time occupations are anything to go by, I’m sure there’s grounds for optimism.

(NB: Views expressed are not Tab’s own. And may or may not be heavily satirical.)

Next week’s exciting guest agony aunt, Hysterical Harry, is visiting us from his home turf of the Maily Dail – Cambridge’s favourite national broadsheet with a special fondness in its cold, cold heart for the likes of us.

Send letters with the title ‘Agony Aunt’ to [email protected].