What kind of date is your college?

Yep, it’s fucking Valentine’s Day today

Cambridge cambridge colleges Cambridge University downing jesus King's Sex the tab Trinity valentine's day

Ah Cambridge… a place so conducive to romance that we’ve resorted to personifying the colleges and imagining what kind of lovers they would make instead of seeking real dates.   

John’s

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I’m sure he’s sweet and sensitive underneath!

Will take you out to a swanky restaurant and pay for everything, but he’ll be staring down your top the whole time. God John’s! Could you make it any clearer that you’re only after one thing?

Jesus

So dashing

So dashing

Ooh nice, he’ll pick you up on his chubby bronze horse and take you for coffee somewhere a bit alternative but not too alternative. And quite expensive. Like the Indigo café.

Christ’s

Will show up wearing tweed, present you with a single long-stemmed rose and insist on calling it ‘courting’ instead of ‘dating’

Robinson

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At least he’s trying, right?

Awh bless him! He plucked up the courage to ask you out! This date will see you trying to fight the long, uncomfortable silences whilst he nervously flicks the froth off of his cappuccino.

Peterhouse

He’ll take you to Nandos even though he’s obviously minted. You won’t be sure if it’s an ironic statement or if he genuinely thinks Nandos is the only place appropriate to take a non-aristocrat on a date. He will spend the evening going on about how his family are twenty-fifth in line to the throne, and trying not to get peri-peri sauce on his red trousers.

He'll then smash it up

He’ll then smash it up

Queens’

You will fall for her well-rounded normality, splitting the bill two ways. Afterwards you’ll go for a stroll and maybe a drink at the Maypole. You will have two to three more dates very similar to this one before the secks.

Trinity

Are you sure it’s a date? Like, are you actually sure he isn’t inviting anyone else – was the text strangely worded? I’ve heard Trinity is a big fan of a good old fashioned orgy, not sure if dating is his deal.

Rapidly reproducing ladybirds

Just watch out, okay?

Newnham

You are going to watch Love Actually and cuddle.

King’s

The Turtleneck will definitely make an appearance.

The Turtleneck will definitely make an appearance.

They looked so cool – you envisaged eating hummus together under the stars on  a tie-dye blanket followed by tantric sex – but when you suggested a date she suggested you go to a see a piece of experimental theatre. It will end up being three hours long. You’ll notice that you have nothing in common with each other and go straight home without swapping numbers.

Emma

This date will see you off to the cinema, you’ll buy the ticket, she’ll buy the popcorn. There will be some hand holding and maybe an arm around the shoulders, and afterwards there will be a closed-mouth kiss on the lips.

Alas, the bench is no longer an option

Alas, the bench is no longer an option

Sydney Sussex

This date will involve one of those reasonably priced pizzas from the hot food counter at Sainsbury’s.

Clare

Picnic date with sandwiches and strawberries, lots of hand-holding. Borderline cliché, but a good date.

06

Watch out when you play footsie, it’ll be very obvious

Maudlin

Would be a blind date. Probably. I don’t know anything about Maudlin…

Hughes Hall

It was always going to be awkward cos you met him on sugardaddies.com. He’ll take you to a proper restaurant and order a fine wine that the waiter will get him to sip before bringing out in a buckety thing. So far, so good, but then he’ll start stroking your leg and you’ll get a bit creeped out. 

He probably modelled for this photograph

He probably modelled for this painting

Churchill

You won’t want any of your friends to see him out with you because, let’s face it, he isn’t the hottest potato in the oven.  So you’ll go somewhere low-key and have a pint and he’ll seem like a reasonably reasonable down-to-earth guy. Then he’ll show you his party trick – he can burp the periodic table. You’ll fake a family emergency and run.

Fitzwilliam

Ah Fitz, cooler than you’d expect, but still objectively a huge dork. He will invite you to go see his friend in an indie band. They will play two hours of insipid Arctic Monkeys covers.

Girton

She’ll be a nightmare to get hold of because she doesn’t have facebook or a phone, you’ll arrange to meet her somewhere but you won’t be able to find each other so you’ll end up hovering outside a pub for half an hour looking shifty.

Connected to the Real World at last

They probably haven’t invented Facebook out there. Cos Girton’s far away. Haha

Clare Hall

Way too small to date, she’ll have to sit on a car seat for you to be legally allowed to pick her up.

Medwards

She will, shall we say, have a subtle beauty

She will, shall we say, have a subtle beauty

She’s mysterious and lives on a hill like a Buddhist monk, and has very shapely calves from all the cycling. The two of you will cook pasta together in a gyp room, flavoured with unbelievably good value Aldi pesto. And then maybe she will take you to a take you to her dome, her dome of love.

Wolfson

From a brief Facebook stalk, you won’t be able to guess his age – but you’ll agree to go on a date with him because he seems down with the kids and suggested a really hip Greek restaurant. He’ll pick you up for your date in a people carrier, at which point you’ll realise that he has a kid.

"What I'm really looking for is a babysitter"

“What I’m really looking for is a babysitter”

Trinity Hall

You’ll meet him through Tinder and swipe right because you’re not sure which one he is from a group photograph. Your heart will sink when you meet him on your date and realise that he wasn’t the fit one (his richer and more impressive mate, Trinity). You will immediately notice the tell-tale self-importance of a Napoleon complex – how many times can someone bring up Andrew Marr?

Homerton

You should probably invest in a bicycle if this is going to be long term

You should probably invest in a bicycle if this is going to be long term

He will meet you in the ADC bar, but not to see a play – oh no. Instead, you will listen as he lists all the BNOCs he knows and bitches about the thesps in the show that’s on at the moment. You will put up with it because he will be very good looking.

Downing

You won’t be sure if you agreed to go on a date with him, or if he just lawyered you into it. You’ll try to cancel, saving you’ve got an essay crisis. He’ll say “your objection has been over-ruled”. Ah well. It won’t be the worst date ever because it’ll end up at Wagamammas.

Pembroke

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Image supplied by Pembroke Tourism Board

He’s used to the whole dating sitch, he’ll call you ‘babe’ all night so that he doesn’t accidentally use the name of another of the girls he’s texting. It will still be quite a suave date and somehow manage to involve theatre, a drink and getting a first without seeming too showy. Be warned – you might fall for his charms!

Selwyn

He'll probably pop out to return a library book

He’ll probably pop out to return a library book

Would be one of those who come with a mental list of prepared questions to stave off awkward silences and appraise your character. “So tell me {insert name here}; if your personality was represented by any episode from Ovid’s Metamorphoses which one would you be and why?” poor little guy is far better adapted to the UL than the dating scene.

Gonville and Cauis

Could be worse...

Could be worse…

He would invite you to a port and cheese evening hosted by the Cambridge University Conservative Association. When you sneak off to the bathroom you’ll overhear a student crying in the stall next to you about how Cauis beats them up, takes their lunch money and forces them to book way in advance if they want to eat in hall.

Corpus Christi

Says it all really...

Says it all really…

He will be wearing a cape and a monocle and probably carrying a cane. The night will fly by as he tells you tall tales all about ghosts and his penchant for weird clocks. You’ll develop the sense that he’s a bit out of touch with social norms because he’ll invite you to meet the parents after only an hour of colourful small talk.

St Edmund’s college

Who even is he? Does anyone know?

St Catherine’s

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Great snow skills though (Photo courtesy of Angela Zhu)

After a few drinks you’ll wonder why nobody really hears that much about this lovely person. After a few more you’ll ask her why she doesn’t really have any kind of reputation at all, and she’ll take it badly and start to cry about how she’s boring and going to die alone in a house full of catz.

Lucy Cavendish

Ohh Lucy, Lucy. A mysterious creature, you’ll meet her once at some intellectual and kooky event like a poetry reading and fall for her air of aloof experience. Unfortunately, Lucy doesn’t date and she only communicates by carrier pigeon so you will be forced to give up the pursuit.

Darwin

05

Actually at Christ’s. But you get the idea.

You’d meet him on tinder and he would chat you up using a clever and line like “I naturally select you baby, let’s do it like the animals with mutations which render them best adapted to their environment do ;)” but then he’d never show up. Where even is Darwin anyway?

And that is it. I hope that, in some small way, this has changed the world/