EXCLUSIVE: MYSTERY PUMPKIN OCCUPIES DOWNING
A rather rude pumpkin is demanding squatters’ rights from Downing’s Master
The pumpkin, who apparently goes by the name of Pete, has been occupying the front terrace of the Master’s Lodge since Halloween. And shows no sign of budging.
Speaking exclusively to us, Pete may have said:
“A pumpkin isn’t just for Halloween, it’s for life. It’s about fucking time people showed us some respect. I’m making a stand, and to be honest it’s more than my life’s worth, I’m telling you.”
One Downing fresher, who insisted on remaining anaonymous for fear of repercussions, expressed her fears:
“It’s bloody massive. No one knows where it came from or what its problem is. The whole college is shrouded in terror. When will this madness end? What will be next? Eggs on the lawn? Sausage in the bloody cellar?”
Asked about his slightly above-average frame, Pete declined to comment on his diet.
Another hungrier chap added:
“He’d make a mighty good soup. Might call the chef.”
Is this the beginning of Occupy Pumpkin? CDE’s views on pumpkin liberation are not yet known.
Freedom fighter or aggressive nuisance? Got views? Email [email protected]