GERIATRIC CARNAGE: Cambridge Alumni Wreak Havoc on Caesarian Sunday

Every year, Cambridge alumni return to their old drinking societies. This Caesarian Sunday was no different.

After most students had left Jesus Green by 4PM, a Churchill graduate turned a banterous exchange between himself and members of two other colleges into a stand off at the Maypole.

After shouting and physical threats, thirty individuals were thrown out of the pub. The owner of the Maypole said: “I wasn’t there this Sunday. However, it is Caesarian Sunday… we know what it’s like.

“If people are inebriated, we will ask them to leave.”

Two Cambridge alumni fondling?

Things continued later that evening at Clowns Cafe on King’s Street, where one individual was left lying unconscious on a table in the upstairs section. An eyewitness explained: “An old boy from Fitz threw some sugar at another old boy, who retaliated by throwing wine.

“The first then threw the second onto the floor and they wrestled.”

Things quickly escalated into a fight between the two alumni, who had returned solely for Caesarian Sunday.

The owner of Clowns told us: “They’d clearly had quite a few drinks and our waiter told them off. I welcome students, but they must respect the environment and my staff.”

The girls on the swap moved away from the unfolding violence, and hugging each other, said they ‘want[ed] to go home.’ An eyewitness reported they were only slightly joking.

The incident finally ended when a Clowns waiter intervened to restrain the two former Cambridge students and eject them from the restaurant.

Like the alumni, a picture frame at Clowns was smashed.

These incidents recall previous years’ debacles. In another atrocious event last year on Caesarian Sunday, alumni again returned, this time to trash the Curry King.

These old boys got into a brawl that left an opponent with a large scar down his calf as well as a broken nose.

Describing the motivation behind the Old Boys’ agression, a member of the Selwyn Bishops, who was injured in last year’s clash, said: “They clearly miss the chance to behave like children, so jump at the chance when they come back. It just wouldn’t be acceptable in normal society.”

Who dunnit? Cambridge Alumni probably…

As a result of this clash one alumnus spent a night in prison. A current student arranged for a taxi for him to be sent home.

The drinking society’s president said: “The tradition of old boys coming back and acting with impunity is causing real headaches for current students, who behave more responsibly knowing that they can be held accountable for their actions come the following morning.”

Consequentially, a number of colleges are rumored to have banned Old Boys from returning for Caesarian Sundays.

Nor is this tradition confined to Caesarian Sunday. At the end of last term, Old Boys from Pembroke’s drinking society, the Idlers, returned to cause trouble.

After the Idlers’ annual dinner, the alumni returned to the college common room. They forcibly kicked out other current students who were not Idlers members, then danced on the pool table and broke it, trashing various bits of the common room.

Idlers and ex-Idlers lambasted by Pembroke student

A student at Pembroke then wrote an open letter on a college Facebook group, which quickly obtained 200 likes from a group with 400 people in it. The alumni and drinking society involved were fined £400 collectively, and charged with the cost of fixing the broken table.

As is often the case, a current undergraduate, the president of the Idlers, received the long end of the stick from college.

Still, he defended the policy of allowing alumni to return. “Old boys naturally have less of an incentive to behave when they return to College, given that they have graduated.

“But although some of them misbehave and cause trouble for current students, the majority of those returning do so without incident.”

To everyone graduating this year: please get a life and don’t come back. You can’t be a BNOC when you’re no longer in the Bubble.