Willy Fails to Perform

BREAKING – After ten weeks of sweat, toil and tears, Prince William has achieved a meagre third-class result at Cambridge.

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What a Royal shame!

Prince William has graduated from Cambridge with a certification equivalent to a third-class result in a regular Tripos. This puts him in the bottom 15th percentile of attendees on similar courses.

Second in line to the throne – and second from the bottom of Tripos?

These revelations are a stark contrast to the optimism that accompanied Wills’ arrival in Cambridge, where he has now completed a bespoke Agricultural Management course.

Back in January, the Royal was seen taking a tour of St John’s College, smiling, waving at well-wishers, and admiring the splendour of the historic town.

He was your typical fresher: happy, naïve and woefully unprepared to be throne in the deep end of Cambridge academia.

Speaking exclusively to The Tab, a source close to the Royal revealed that Wills quickly began to struggle with combining the student and the regal life.

“Because of his public persona, Prince William was rarely left alone to work, and could never enter a library undisturbed. Hounded for autographs and photographs, how was he supposed to focus on paragraphs?”

Wondering where it all went wrong?

While most students were busy studying, Wills spent little time with his revision notes. In early March, he took a trip to the Maldives.

Later in the month he was seen hauling sandbags at a local voluntary organisation.

Wills also took a controversial weekend hunting trip to Spain, leaving his supervision notes to gather dust.

As well as attending Bunga Bunga in Battersea, to celebrate Louise Aubrey-Fletcher’s birthday, Wills also managed to make it to the Baftas, where he high-fived Tinie Tempah.

Not so ‘Invincible’

The Tab spoke to Wills’ Director of Studies, Dr Canniedo, who said: “It was always difficult for Prince William to balance his royal and family obligation with his studies. We did everything we could to help him in this regard.”

The Tab has gained exclusive access to a copy of the Prince’s degree certificate, demonstrating Wills’ poor performance. This comes after his father, the first heir to the throne ever to obtain a degree, achieved a lower second-class honours.

A copy of Prince William’s degree certificate

Next month, William plans to jet off for a three week tour of Australia and New Zealand, a welcome distraction perhaps.

The Tab can also reveal, contrary to the lack of reporting on Wills’ activities, that he spent much time socialising with a small group of classmates.

The Prince’s classmates, all CEOs of prominent agricultural businesses

In defiance of the University’s ban on paid work, Wills also obtained a job at the Foreign Office.

Dr Canniedo explained that the Prince had struggled to socialise and relax with other students, as many suspected that he was receiving special treatment due to his royal status.

“While I cannot compromise student confidentiality, William was, needless to say, unaccustomed to mingling with students from different backgrounds.

“I remember seeing the Duke return to college on a Saturday evening looking very browbeaten. He told me that he had thought ‘The Regal Wetherspoons’ would be a nice place to unwind with some course-mates.

“His tutor and I are disappointed with the result, but wish him well in the future.”

A spokesperson for the Programme for Sustainable Leadership, which administered the Prince’s studies, added: “The Duke has faced unprecedented challenges during his time here.

“We would like to congratulate the Prince on the successful completion of his course, and wish him the best for the future.”

The Tab hopes that Wills is not too disheartened – it’s not as if he might have to run a country at some point.