Cheaper Than Chips: Post-Cindies Snacks

I take exactly £4.50 with me on a night out. I put the change in my boot, along with my uni card and ID – no bag to speak of, no coat necessary. It’s pretty chilled.

I also go armed with two crucial weapons:

1. My hipflask, Alexander (back-pocketed)

2. The knowledge that I won’t need extra cash, having mastered the art of post-Cindies gyp food-making.

This term has been a bit of a trial for the old Natwest account. Gardi’s and the vehicles of (im)mortality are takers; all they want are your money bags. By the time you’ve left, polystyrene carton in drunkenly gesticulating hand, your evening has probably set you back a tenner, min.

So, read these recipes. Heck, learn them by heart if you want to, because I guarantee that these gastronomic gems will set you back very little cash, and they’re criminally delicious.

1. Toast Kebab

Toast two slices of bread. Spread one with mayonnaise, the other with Tommy McKetch- if not his Hispanic mother-in-law, La Salsa of Tomato. Sprinkle on some Tabasco. Strew one slice with chicken/pork/beef strips. Add salad/cheese/crisps, ideally Turkish ones. Put the other slice on top. Microwave for 20 seconds.

2. Toast Pizza

Toast a slice of bread. Spread two tablespoons of tomato puree on it. Aside, microwave two rashers of bacon for two minutes. Lay these on top of the now-red toast. Sprinkle with cheese and add mushrooms/sweetcorn/whatever you want. Microwave for 15 seconds.

3. Crispy cheesy chips

In a glass, mix together one tablespoon of mayonnaise and one of ketchup. Pour a bag of Doritos into a bowl. Sprinkle them with cheddar. Microwave the bowl for 10 seconds. Dip your crispy cheesy chips into your burger/thousand island sauce and thoroughly, thoroughly enjoy.

4. Appley chips

Slice up an apple. Sprinkle it with cheese. Eat your apple sprinkled with cheese.