How To Cure A Hangover

Hungover? Fear not. RUBY CONGJIANG WANG and her team of human guinea pigs are here to help.

Dominos Drugs early morning sex Gardis greasy food guardies hair of the dog hangover hangover cure paracetamol ruby wang tactical chunder Van of Death Van of Life vitamin c vitamins vomming Wank wanking water

We’ve all been there. After a night out in sweat-slicked Cindies, you wake up to an ear-splitting alarm feeling like death. With a pounding headache and a queasy stomach, you realise with dread that there is a 9 o’clock lecture looming.

Here is the dilemma: you can either go back to sleep and pretend you’re at Anglia Ruskin, or you can get out of bed and deal with the pain. Unfortunately for you, it is often wiser to deal with the pain. Thankfully though, I’ve compiled a list of hangover cures, which my friends have been busy testing out, in order to help.

Hair of the Dog

The Cure: Keep drinking. But beware, this is only a short-term cure. You may feel chirpy and awake at the start of your post-lash, but don’t congratulate yourself too soon, for the hangover may not disappear. It may well come back to haunt you, and drinking more might only delay the effect for a day or so.

Result: Luke, a lawyer from Caius, drank over £100 worth of alcohol on one night out, and didn’t go to bed until 11am the next day. Upon waking up, he did six vodka shots. Surprisingly, he says that felt pretty great – result! Definitely one to try again, but maybe not too often (even lads need livers).


The Cure: Drink water. Before alcohol, with alcohol, and after alcohol. Lots and lots of water. Alcohol is hugely dehydrating, as your body kindly tells you by making you feel like an elephant is trampling on your head, and water helps to ease this.

Result: After a hard night of partying, Lauren, a lawyer from Girton, managed to drink eight mugs of water. Multiple night trips to the bathroom resulted in loss of sleep (negative points there), and she reported that her “morning wee was like the Niagara Falls.” But it worked, and Lauren recommends this cure.


The Cure: Eat greasy food! It’s proven to be good for you – well, in terms of hangovers, anyway. Fat soaks up alcohol, so feel free to stuff your face with cheesy chips and burgers oozing with grease. Hell, even a drunken Domino’s at 3am wouldn’t go amiss.

Result: Max, a NatSci from Caius took to his challenge with massive enthusiasm. He guzzled grease at both trailers and Gardi’s, as well as Kebab City, and then promptly collapsed. In the morning, he shoved down a full English breakfast and turned up to all lectures, albeit slightly shaky. Max reckons that this is an excellent cure, considering he was “off his face” (witnesses strongly assent), and that he probably would not have survived had he not eaten so much. The only downside was a very empty wallet.

The Cure: Throwing up is always unpleasant, but it does help. A tactical chunder before bed means that you can get some alcohol out of your system, giving you a greater will to live when you wake up in the morning.

Result: After a crazy bop dressed as a tiger, Abi, a medic from Caius, woke up in her room with puke in three bins around her bed, splattered in a Gardi’s burger container, and on her walls. She had no idea how she came to be in this state, or who helped her home, but she happily got up and cleaned up the mess. She floated through lectures – no headaches, no nausea, and now aims to pass this incident off as an amusing story to tell the grandkids.

Vitamin C

The Cure: A Bloody Mary (vodka, tomato juice and Worcester sauce) is supposedly the best hangover cure, but if you’re feeling fragile at the thought of more booze, you can always try a Bloodless Mary – packed with equal amounts of vitamin C, just without the vodka. Failing that, the student alternative is ketchup, or even leftover baked bean sauce if you’re trampy enough. Alternatively, keep things simple with loads of orange juice.

Result: Upon recently waking up with a hangover, Liz, a linguist from Caius downed a whole litre of orange juice, ending up with a juice-baby which she named Justin. She felt disgusting and nauseous, and reported that Justin “sloshed” when she moved. Liz recommends sticking to water, and has been forced to avoid all things citrus since the incident.

Mineral rich foods

The Cure: Bananas, tinned fish and pickles are supposedly excellent, but may be unsuitable if your stomach is feeling fragile.

Result: Emily, a classicist from Newnham, ate six bananas in a row when she got home after her night out. She woke up the next morning feeling like her head was “filled with blood,” and surrounded by banana skins. She missed all her lectures, and ended up spending her day in bed. Emily says: “I hate bananas. Ruby made me do it. It’s a rubbish cure.” Perhaps give this one a miss?


The Cure: Take this how you will. Whether it’s morning sex or an early jog, friends and scientists say that the “morning after workout” is the best recipe for success. Getting your blood flowing will help your body in getting rid of all the toxins you accumulated after one mojito too many.

Result: James, a medic from Caius, embraced his task eagerly: to have a wank. He reported: “It was a very good distraction, but no sooner had the throbbing downstairs disappeared, the throbbing in my skull returned with a vengeance.” But although it didn’t help the hangover, James would do it again “albeit not for its remedial qualities.

Illustrations by Olivia Vane