How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days

Day One – Sunday

Epic evening flitting between Fez and Life. As I down my sixth Sambuca of the night, I spy my target, a fittie dressed as Buzz Lightyear. Yeah boi.  I notice that he is also slurring his speech slightly – so far so good.  My chat is pretty sub-optimum by this point, so I try to explain it away: 'You’ll have to excuse me if I’m rude, I have Aspergers.' I doubt even I will ever understand where that came from.  Thank God I already have his number by this point.

Day Two – Monday

I bump into Buzz mid-morning in Sidgwick buttery. He smiles awkwardly and leaves. I fear he will think me aloof, so I send him two texts in quick succession, followed by a voicemail, asking if he is keen for coffee. That afternoon, I arrive early at the Copper Kettle and wave enthusiastically with both hands when he arrives. During conversation, I spill my latte down myself, start giggling and accidentally snort. Despite this, I leave confident that Tuesday night Cindies will hold strong potential for further flirtation. Decide it is appropriate to start describing him as my boyfriend to all my friends.

Day Three – Tuesday

Text Buzz from Spoons, where I’m currently on a swap: 'I’m coming to Cindies, get your wallet ready'. Forget to draw money on the way, so use my debit card to buy ten Apple VKs as soon as I arrive. Try to carry them all at once and end up dropping the lot, covering both me and Buzz. Attempt to rectify matters by dancing seductively in front of him. Sadly, lose control of my limbs, and spend the last hour of the night slumped in the smoking section. End up being guided to a taxi by caring friends. Seduction plan will have to wait until tomorrow it seems.

Day Four- Wednesday

Horrendous hangover. Decide some fresh air will prevent further stomach gymnastics., so head to the 'Hot Sausage Company'. 'Bit early for that isn’t it?'. Buzz has caught me with ketchup running down my chin. 'It’s never too early for a sausage!' I challenge, spitting slightly.  Bant. He looks revolted. I text him later, 'Sorry about that.  Can never resist a hotdog ;-). Cindies later?  Promise I won’t pour VK all over you again LOLZ xxx'. 

Later that night, the situation seems to be improving. After several shots, courtesy of yours truly, he asks if I want to go back to his. Keen, obviously, but don’t want to seem slutty so I bring my wingman, Shabnam, with me. We stay in his room until 5am. Banter is great – my jokes about the menstrual cycle are top notch. 

Day Five – Thursday

Decide to try and stimulate my diminished brain cells by attending a debate at the Union. Wear my fake reading glasses from Primark to appear more studious. See Buzz is sitting in the third row. Don’t want to crowd him so sit in the row behind. Try to engage him in intellectual conversation regarding the topic. It’s the legalisation of euthanasia. Little bit dark, in my opinion, so I try to lighten the mood by making a 'youth-in-Asia' type joke. He looks at me with distaste and asks me why one of the lenses in my glasses is missing.

Day Six – Friday

Turn up at his college bop alone, as my friends are at another ent. Buzz seems reasonably pleased, if surprised, to see me.  However, our moment doesn’t last long as he is dragged away by ‘The Lads’. Decide to befriend some of the girls in his year. For some reason, they’re quite cold towards me. I sense a bit of territory marking, and ponder if I wouldn’t be having more fun up the hill at the school disco. I find him and suggest he comes over tomorrow when we 'can talk'. I accompany this with a saucy wink and hope he catches my drift. He seems keen and promises to text me tomorrow. I head off, pleased with the night’s events. Slip on my arse on the way out. Fail.

Day 7 – Saturday

Tonight is the night.  I feel I set the scene a tad too much with the candles and Barry White, but otherwise things are going well. As I undress, I realise I forgot to shave my legs. 'I am growing it out,' I whisper.  This sounds weird even to my ears.  A good few minutes of silence follows, during which time I wrack my brains for an intelligent, relevant question to convince him I am worth the leg hair.  'So have you ever had a death in the family?' I eventually ask, but there is no response.  He is either asleep, or ignoring me. Concerned it may be the latter.

Day 8 – Sunday

Buzz leaves in a hurry the next day, clearly a little put out by past night’s events. I text him four times throughout the day (excessive?) and get no response. Later on, in Life, I am still pondering how to reel him back in when I bump into some of his mates. I engage in a cheeky boogie with one, who seems rather friendly. Before I know it we’re pulling. I feel like I should stop, but have a brainwave mid-snog. Buzz will definitely hear about this, realize I’m in demand, and try and win me back. Genius. I have a few more drinks and decide to move on to friend number two. I’m pretty gone by this point, so judgement becomes questionable. Follow friend number two into a toilet cubicle, where I push him against the wall and lean in. He is less than keen and ducks. Slightly mortified by events, I head to Fez. Don’t see any of them for the rest of the night. Think it’s probably for the best.

Day Nine – Monday

Buzz hasn’t been in touch, prompting my inner-stalker into action.  I look up his lecture timetable, and turn up to his 2pm. He seems utterly baffled by my appearance but I play it cool. Afterwards, I trail along with him to the UL. Sitting opposite, I send a cheeky text from across the table, 'There are so many dark corners in this library…xxx'. The reply: ‘I am working.'  God, he can be so coy.  I move into the seat next to him and place my hand in his crotch.  He slaps it away. Clearly not in the mood. I quit while I am ahead and tell him I will see him in Cindies tomorrow.

Day Ten – Tuesday

In Cindies, once again. This place really is becoming a home from home. I spend a good hour trying to locate Buzz, but learn he is staying in tonight. Decide I will surprise him and head over to his college. He opens the door with a rather upsetting 'Oh god'.  I throw my arms around him and slur, 'It’s now or never'. 'Never,' he snaps, and shuts the door. I dissolve into sobs, realizing I’m back to square one. Another one bites the dust. I stumble up the hill, cheesy chips in hand, singing Lady Gaga to myself. Bleak.