Trump’s guide to getting a girl on Valentine’s Day

If all else fails, grab her by the pussy

Valentine’s Day is here and if the past 12 months have taught us anything, it’s that if you want to get something in life, act like Trump. Follow these easy steps if you want to guarantee a date on the day of love.

Step One: Perfect your appearance

The first thing you must do before approaching a woman is perfect your style.

Style is everything, you should preferably wear a suit, but one that makes it look like you have no money.

The hair is also key. Women love thin hair, the wispier the better. It must look similar to a bird’s nest. If you can house a family of sparrows on your head it lets women know that you have a sensitive side. Once you’ve done these things, your look is complete.

Step Two: Identify the target and move in

She seems perfect

Now I can’t emphasise this enough, it’s important to focus on attractiveness over intelligence. The dumber the better. It was a great man that once said, “it really doesn’t matter what you do as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.”

Your opening line must be strong. Something like I’m a self-made man that started with a small loan of $1,000,000 of Daddy’s money. You could even take a copy of your bank statement.

Step Three: The back handed compliment

Next you must subtly insult them to lower their self-confidence. I prefer to impersonate them as a disabled person. It’ll get them laughing as well, who doesn’t find disabled people funny?

Don’t forget that your own confidence is useful, you need to assert yourself as a man and as part of the better, more intelligent, sex. Remember that you know words, and you have the best words. Which, if you’re clever like me, you can make into a pickup line.

My personal favourites include; “Rosie O’Donnell must have just walked into the room because I want to get disgusting with you” or my favourite, “has anyone ever told you that you look like my daughter? It’s a complement, trust me.”

Step Four: Compliment yourself

Its thiiis bigly

When they inevitably question the size of your hands, explain that they’re only small in comparison to mini-Trump, which is always bigly. Tell them what I tell them, “it’s well documented that my fingers are long and beautiful, as are various other parts of my body.” Not to mention, part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich.

Step Five: Close the deal

Its okay you’re dumb, everyone is compared to me

Now it’s time to make them realise that they want you. Tell them that the only difference between you and other guys, is that you’re more honest and have been with more beautiful women. Your I.Q. is one of the highest and they know it. Comfort them and tell them that it’s not their fault they feel insecure about how great you are. At this point you can tell them that you’re going to make their orgasms great again, and the deal should be closed.

The Hail Mary Pass

If by some unlikely circumstances these five easy steps don’t work, and you can’t buy them like usual, there’s always the Hail Mary Pass which never fails to get a women’s blood pumping. You can always just grab them by the pussy.

That’s the spot