Why people who hate swearing should fuck off

If swearing or profane language offends you, then I suggest you fuck off before reading this article.

Swearing is an indispensable part of our language and if you think otherwise please shut your fucking cave.

Like a trip to the Wheatley Campus, the English Language would be dull, boring and in desparate need of renovation without swearing. If you don’t agree with me (and that’s possbily because you are a bit of a cunt) I’m going to give you three reasons why people who don’t like swearing are wrong.

A lot of the Daily Mail reading, armchair moral arbiters believe that swearing is a sign of poor education or stupidity.

Yes, we’ve all seen the odd dense fucker who arbitrarily uses swearwords because they are a bit short on adjectives in their vocab, but in reality, some of the brainiest among us swear the most.

I have many friends, colleagues and even lecturers much brighter than myself (and yes there are many of them) who swear much more frequently and liberally than I do. Their command of English is only bettered when embellished with a sprinkling of the odd “shit”, “fuck”, “bollocks”, “cock-juggling-thunder-cunt” and so on.

So, to say swearing is a sign of the dumb is just pitifully stupid. Steven Fry, one of our most erudite and articulate public figures agrees with me on this.

What’s more annoying than a Cheney fresher moaning about spilling Moet all over his favourite pair of chinos? People who get upset when somebody swears within ear shot.

Okay, swearing in front of young kids may not be advisable – I mean you wouldn’t want your kids to sound all Jeremy Kyle would you?

Otherwise, man up! You’re a grown person, an adult; if you can’t handle somebody swearing then you need to get over it. Life is full of things which are far more terrible than swearing – don’t get hung up on it.

Multiple profanities incoming

Lastly, for those who are prissy enough to think that swearing isn’t funny: I give you ‘The Thick of It’ Probably the best swearing ever written for TV is on that show.

There are far too many classic one-liners and insults in the satirical sitcom to pick a favourite, but “Jesus Christ, see you… You’re a fucking omnishambles, that’s what you are. You’re like that coffee machine, you know: from bean to cup, you fuck up.” That comes somewhere close.

So, to tie up, I’d like to emphasise that swearing, done properly, can be a joy to all. Swearing won’t fuck up your karma, or any of that cosmic bullshit, and it won’t make you a bad Christian (or whichever religion you choose).

It’s not going to cause the end of morality or anything apocalyptic. It’s funny, harmless and brilliant. In the words of Malcolm Tucker: “Fuckety-bye”.

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