No sex please, we’re Oxford students

It has been revealed that thirteen percent of Oxford University students are virgins in ‘The Tab Purity League,’ one percent above the national average.

Our chaste cousins were beaten only by Imperial, Cambridge, Sheffield and Hull in a national survey carried out earlier this term before The Tab Brookes was founded. Out of the 12,000 undergraduates at Oxford, 1560 of them haven’t got any.

The findings were part of a nationwide drug survey (we’re not sure how the two are related to be honest) where Oxford came fourth from the bottom. Only 67% of students admitted to dabbling in something or other compared to 85% at Leeds, who topped the leader board.

We couldn’t help but wonder if this lack of sex and substance abuse is responsible for their rather high academic standards. According to timeshighereducation.co.uk Oxford are currently the…, you guessed it, fourth best university in the world. A ranking they’re probably more comfortable with than most frigid.

After all if you’re a student and you aren’t smoking something or sleeping with your housemate/course mate/anyone the next logical step is to hibernate in the library buried under a mountain of revision.

It’s a shock that our celibate city friends come behind Cambridge in yet another poll but perhaps we have ourselves to thank. Some daring Oxfordians have been known to cross the tracks and mingle with the rest of us, they want to live like common people, they want to do whatever common people do. Without us literally shagging their brains out of them they’d probably all be virgins.

For those in need of a little help we recommend Ben Jenkins’ article ‘How to get the girl.‘ Whilst Brookes may not be up there in terms of academic ratings I think it’s safe to say we all have more fun on our side of the river.