The myriad of confusing league tables don’t really tell anybody anything. The Tab has developed the ultimate unay guide to once and for all end the Battle of Bristol.

Physical prowess

Though Bristol was traditionally the stronger force, Varsity is becoming an ever-closer affair. Last year’s Varsity was pretty even, the highlights being when Bristol took the Football and Rugby, and UWE taking key sports such as American Football, Rowing and er, Darts. Swings and roundabouts.

VERDICT: Even stevens. 1-1.

Sex, drugs and Rock n’Roll

According to Student Beans University Sex League 2013, Bristol students are slightly more prolific shaggers than students from UWE. Per student, the average number of sexual partners at UWE is 4.11, while UoB score a magnificent 4.48

Bristol students are also bigger boozers, consuming on average 20.5 units a week compared to a reserved 18.1 for UWE students.

Live music completes the hat-trick. Bristol’s Anson rooms have played host to some the biggest artists in the industry including Coldplay, David Bowie and the Smiths (but it has been closed for over a year).

VERDICT: Difficult one to call given evidence suggests that UoB students are more likely to be riddled with STIs. Bristol’s flirtation with Bowie wins it though. 2-1 to UoB.

Celebrity alumni

Screw award-winning intellectuals, it’s all about showbiz – and both Universities have their fair share of famous alumni.

Trickster Derren Brown, ITV news man Alistair Stewart, and funny men Simon Pegg, David Walliams and Matt Lucas all graduated from UoB.

UWE have contributed the likes of SamCam, professional poo-eater Bear Grylls, and comics Russell Howard and Miranda Hart. Watching BBC comedies will never be the same again.

VERDICT: By virtue of having no graduates who have eaten shit on TV, Bristol wins. 3-1 to University of.

Wannabe politicos

Admittedly a bit of a yawn-inducing category, but the Student Union should be the core of any university (…right?).

Unfortunately, we were unable to locate anyone who’s ever actually been to the Union. Moreover, UBU was recently voted a pretty miserable 120^th out of 127 competitors in a national survey. The building also looks like the architect designed it out of spite.

UWE salvaged a workable 63^rd place in the survey, securing them an essential victory in this category.

VERDICT: Easy win for UWE. 3-2 to Bristol.

Location, location, location

The University of Bristol comprises some pretty good-looking buildings such as Wills Memorial and the Physics laboratories. Unfortunately, it’s also got the ASS library, which looks like a Soviet prison, and plenty of other grim-looking departments. Due to not being a campus, it’s also a bit all over the place, which can be a pain.

It is actually in Bristol, though, which is more than can be said for UWE.

Even so, UWE is purpose-built, and provides an ideal student space. The Tab recommends that just to be on the safe side, it’s always best to check with the Foreign Office about any necessary vaccinations before travelling to such distant lands.

VERDICT: The 1970s weren’t kind to either uni, but Bristol pulls this one out of the bag. 4-2 to Bristol.

The final score

The results are in, they’ve been counted and checked by an independent adjudicator.  As we all sort of knew already, UoB is the outright winner pulverising the opposition from across (and a way outside) the city to win 4-2.

Better luck next time, UWE.