Tab Tries: Made To Measure Condoms
Rubbish rubbers getting you down? The Tab tries made to measure condoms, for gentlemen who prefer luxury latex.
The promise of an ill-fitting latex suit is enough to make any penis come down with stage fright.
Male members everywhere will therefore rejoice at the condom revolution being spearheaded by TheyFit.
Rather than accept the one-size-fits-all policy of the prophylactic heavyweights, TheyFit offer men 95 sizes sure to please everyone, from the tiniest todger to the widest willy.
Unable to believe such a thing could even be possible, The Tab jumped at the opportunity to road-test these world-changing johnnies.
Identities have been changed to protect our testers from widespread admiration/scorn.
Jack Frost: Size M77
As I slid one on, I was amazed that it fit me so well. It felt like my cheeky chappy was wearing a Savile Row tailored suit.
I’m usually hit by pangs of depression and inadequacy when there’s still some johnny left un-rolled at the base of the trunk. Not this time!
Even my bellend (which is usually restricted by over the counter condoms) felt nicely cradled and contained.
In terms of performance; I don’t tend to use condoms but they weren’t too thick so didn’t get in the way.
I also tried ‘a poshy’ for the purpose of a complete review and it worked very well because, as a result of the snug fit, no fluids ended up where they weren’t welcome.
All in all, great fun but not convinced I’d pay for the privilege. It was nice to get sent two different sizes though, because everyone has ‘off’ and ‘on’ days.
Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer: Size N88
After splitting up with the gf last week I was forced to implement a new test plan.
Unfortunately Lounge failed to provide any fresh test subjects, leaving me no choice but to go for plan C: the posh Nadal backhand.
When the package came through in the post it was like Christmas had come early!
An extra bonus: no awkward queues in the Tesco self-help checkout in times of need.
Turns out I made a bit of balls up with the measurements so the fit was tighter than a nun’s nasty! I’d recommend choosing a size up when you order them online.
Like most people I’m not a huge fan of condoms, but these bespoke bad boys are the dog’s danglies!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Size D21
Nothing kills the mood more than an awkward wrestle with a too-tight condom, so the promise of a tailored fit had the little fella jumping for joy.
When it came to the moment of truth, the sight of my well-dressed member was a thing to behold. I almost wept with pride.
In fact, if I’d been alone in the room, I probably would have.
Obviously, sex with a condom is still sex with a condom so there’s a limit to how good it can get but my TheyFit gear performed admirably.
This might be the closest condoms ever get to being cool.
Santa’s Little Helper: Size N11
Santa’s Little Helper declined to offer The Tab a photo. Instead, here’s R&B star D’Angelo.
Measuring up was fairly easy, if a little strange. The instructions were easy to follow, but getting and maintaining an erection for the purpose of measuring it was… odd.
They arrived nicely packaged and I received both the size I’d ordered, and the size above (which was lucky, because the size I’d ordered maintained a boa constrictor-like grip at all times – even though I’d been on the generous side when measuring).
Unfortunately, even though I was “shaggin’-on-the-regs” at the time, it was a strictly condom-free affair. Instead, I had to opt for the outdated posh wank.
They didn’t really seem to offer any substantial improvements on an over-the-counter solution, though they felt like they might be a little less prone to any slippage.
Perhaps a good stocking filler (for someone whose penis size you know intimately…)