Aberdeen Uni library taking from the poor to give to the rich

This may not come as a surprise to the students who have felt the wrath of librarians after returning a heavy demand book late (£1.50 an hour due to these celebrity books creating long queues of people waiting for the coveted text to fall into their hands).  It is impossible to attempt to run or hide from these fines, as it is well known the virtual-ghost of a sour faced librarian will haunt your email until you pay up.

In light of this information, a committee has been formed to come up with ways in which the “re-investing” of the £70,000 could benefit the student body.

30% of the construction budget went towards cups of tea for the Queen

For example, it could be used for maintenance: a large number of students have noticed that the library has a giant hole down the middle. Rumour has it this is due to budget cuts after someone hired the Queen to open the library. With the extra money the hole could be cemented and the job finally finished.

Secondly, we could import baristas from Italy as a report from students at the University library states that the coffee tastes like a confusing mix of copper and dirt, with students often receiving the wrong order. It seems the baristas do not know the difference between the coffees on the menu, and so just mix and match according to their mood. This immensely affects student’s wellbeing and has caused breakdowns.

I ordered a vente latte…

Students are also hugely frustrated and hungry considering the disallowance of food beyond the café, despite itonly serving leftover school children’s packed lunches.  A remedy for this could be using the money to provide a free buffet. In this manner, students could fill up to the point where they could study for hours without needing a snack, saving the staff from hunting down people sneakily eating m&ms out of their bags. This, or IV drips could be set up on each floor for students to ‘recharge’ at in order to more beneficially spend their time studying.

Students have reported feeling extremely awkward in the elevator due to the deafening silence that sometimes has to be endured for 7 floors. In order for us to be able to ride in comfort it has been suggested putting a jukebox in the elevator to add a little fun to the ride and create a more comfortable environment. Another very welcome suggestion has been having guards put in place to shoot any student who takes the elevator to the first floor.

Step away from the elevator

Many students are also said to be intimidated and distressed by the cold stares of the librarians. A theory has been put forward that the librarians are not actually human beings, but robots put there by the university to keep order and a totalitarian authority within the library. To create a happier  experience the money could be used to replace the librarians with models. Research has shown students would be far more eager to venture into the iceberg if there were beautiful people posed in various positions around the library for everyone’s viewing pleasure.

Imagine Miranda welcoming you with open arms

It’s what Robin Hood would have wanted.