J – Junkies

Aberdeen is a strange and beautiful city. There are a lot of drug addled beggars around and a lot of people give them a hard time. There is no more accurate reflection of a personality than the way that an individual treats someone that they have absolutely nothing to gain from.

Be more like a human. Give those guys cigarettes and cheeseburgers. They’ll be happy and it’ll make you happy.

K – ‘Ken’

Could someone, anyone, please tell me who the FUCK Ken is?!?

L – Liquid Wednesdays

Go to Institute, the biggest nightclub in Aberdeen, during term time on a Wednesday. You’ll wade into a club full of people convincing themselves that this is the best night in Aberdeen.

You’ll see the same people saying the same things in the same conversations, meeting in the same places, then going to the same houses and having the same sex.

The bouncers are sound, the music is god awful but you’ll be so high on alcoholic sugar drinks that you won’t be able to stop your hands shaking for long enough to realise that that’s the third time they’ve played ‘Levels’. Just keep jumping.

M – Maccies

After the last encore in Institute surrounded by happy drunk maniacs, go to McDonalds and look around. There will be a few paralytic girls stumbling around laughing manically at the warzone they find themselves in.

Watch out, sometimes the more sober ones are pretending to be drunker than they are and the more drunk ones are pretending to be more sober than they are. Tricksters.

N – New Money

University does a strange thing to people. A lot of people try their best to re-invent themselves into different characters. As you sit in your pristine kitchen with a can of shit lager on your first night, you’ll look at the random assortment of people you’re about to go out with.

Can you spot the guy who has decided that he’s a player? What about the girl who has decided to have the best banter? This is a fun game and will keep you amused for the whole of first year. After that even the most resolute of try-hards will get tired of it and revert to who they really are. And people will like them more. Weird huh?

A tell-tale sign…

O – Oil

Oil is certainly a mixed blessing for the city, on the one hand this city is one of the easiest in Britain for a student to find a job and you’ll get a lot of tips. The only downside is that you’ll have to dodge the riggers. Imagine you fly this city’s workforce out into the middle of the North Sea to work for three weeks straight and pay them a fortune.

Imagine what their nights out are like when they get back with all that money and all that concentrated testosterone. Hang on, stop imagining. That is literally exactly what happens in this city.

P – Pittodrie

Aberdeen’s very own theatre of dreams. Cold and wet but worthwhile. The buzz of walking into a stadium full of fans should not be missed by any resident of any city. Don’t let the weather deny you that rare pleasure.

Plus the Aberdeen adidas kit is sweet. Just don’t wear it in a bar or expect to be engaged in a long and very uninteresting conversation about the club, you’ll leave feeling very pessimistic about the quality of their championship chances.

Q – Queen Liz

Yeah, so she popped up with that bad boi Big Philly Windsor last year to open our library six months after it opened. Whatever it was cool. Unfortunately it pissed it down with rain.

Queenie came in a nice Rolls, gave us that wave as we stood waving happily back in the pouring rain. Couldn’t see Philly the Kid but I’m sure he was in there somewhere nursing his hangover and popping Beroccas like they’re going out of fashion.

Then some guy ran down the middle of the road shouting something.

Keep your eyes peeled later in the week for part three, featuring rugby boys, Skite and Zukon.