A definitive list of housemate serial killer traits that we’re all familiar with

Okay just hear us out for a second. It is without a doubt that we all have that one quirk, tendency or habit which probably seems normal to us. But the reality of it is, it’s just really weird. Personally, we can’t see a better time or place to expose, or be exposed, than at uni with your newly made friends. We didn’t come to uni expecting to be called a gremlin in the library during week one but apparently eating the core of your apple warrants that label.

Without further ado, we give you our housemates’ serial killer traits that have slowly been revealed to us over the  years we have spent getting to know them.  

‘The Un-packer’

Now this one we feel might be relatable for all those busy body, tidy friends we all praise for keeping on top of the washing, hoovering and general life admin.  Housemate numero uno cannot, and when we say cannot we mean will not return from anywhere and leave her bag unpacked for longer than 10 minutes.

This sort of behaviour doesn’t warrant mockery – quite frankly we praise it.  It is if anything fascinating; her foot is in the door and straight up the stairs after yelling into the kitchen “pop the kettle on.”

This can be un-packing after a short trip away, or even after returning from a long stay at home to restart a new term. Hats off to her, because if you’re anything like me my bags can be left by the foot of my bed from at least two to four weeks.  

‘The one without Pajamas?!’

The average human is typically unable to get into bed and switch off without having changed into their beloved PJ’s. Be it an old oversized top form a tour or a I’ve-got-my-shit-together matching set, we simply cannot fathom hitting the pillow and still wearing denim jeans.

This is another uni student who is more than happy to get into bed wearing whatever clothes they have spent that day wearing. It’s literally absurd and quite horrifying. They don’t even own a pair of PJ’s?  

What gives it away for this housemate is the fact that they always come downstairs after clubbing in the same outfit. Which seems somewhat normal – right? What makes it worse is that morning after morning, the housemate keeps appearing in yesterdays jeans, and only then will he change into a new pair of jeans and new shirt. 

Yes that’s right, his jeans and t-shirt are the equivalent of our matching PJ sets.

All we can say is, we are praying we get to pull his name out of the bowl for secret Santa this year, because if we do, we are heading straight to Primark for a lovely coordinated number.  

‘Pesto on porridge?’

Now we all love venturing beyond the confines of the typical oats and berries every now and then, but pesto?  Come on now.  “It is such a match, both pesto and oats are savoury!” No, no and no.

Ketchup with peas or pasta, or an excessive mayonnaise addiction always divides a crowd, but this really goes above and beyond. This housemate will stop at absolutely nothing – no traditional culinary rules can reign in their hunger for disastrous combinations. You think pesto and porridge is bad? Wait until you see their peanut butter and beans on toast. 

God knows what is next.

‘Daily run… Inside?’

Coronavirus seems to have forced people off the sofa, and away from their screens into the outdoors. Whether it be for a home-workout, daily walk, cycle, run or swim, people have come to value fresh air in new and unprecedented ways.

Unless of course you are anything like the housemate we are about to expose…

This legendary member of the house, quite literally will get dressed into their lycra and trainers and embark on a daily run… around the coffee table. Said Housemate will switch on the TV, pull the lounge door shut, and begin running. Using ‘strava’, they will simply lap the coffee table until this app we all often use for running (outside) notifies them they have completed 5K.

This might be the solution for those of you who lack any sense of direction, getting lost on a regular basis running around the winding roads and housing estates of Brighton, but it’s kind of distracting when all you want to do is drink your cuppa and watch The Chase.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘I <3 Tinnies?’

Who doesn’t love popping to the shops for a couple of tinnies to sink with their mates after a long ‘ol week of uni?

Most of us do, but the kind of tin this housemate pops to the shop for might not be what we all had in mind. Tinned spinach, mushrooms, meatballs and potatoes: tinned anything, is what brings excitement to this quirky individual. Now we can get behind a tinned pulse: a chickpea, lentil or bean. However, limp, khaki spinach and slimy potatoes should not be allowed to accompany any decent meal, and is where we draw the line.

What makes their exclusion of fresh vegetables, and odd obsession with tinned items so much worse, is that they resort to tinned produce, in particular tinned new potatoes as a drunken snack. Yes that is correct, whilst other, well adjusted people will make a detour to Burger king en route home, this housemate will wait until they return home to sink their gnashers into some of these cold, tinned, and quite frankly, smelly tinned potatoes.

But hey, who are we to judge, if we go into a second lockdown this housemate is sorted with their abundance of non-perishable tinned treats…  

  ‘Human alarm clock’

Every night before bed most of us ensure we have either a clock or phone alarm set for the following morning to avoid the stress of that morning rush, but not if you are anything like the this housemate. She point blank refuses to engage with the concept of an alarm. ‘I just wake up,’ ‘I am never late,’ ‘they make jarring noises,’ are but a few of her excuses she provides whilst she inevitably rushes to make her seminar, bus, or coffee date.

Many of you laid back Larrys might relate to this behaviour, but she goes above and beyond relaxed when it comes to keeping time. To name but a few, this housemate once had a 4am taxi to make in order to get to Gatwick for a flight departing at 6.30am, and did not set an alarm before hand. They simply went to bed at midnight, and reassured the house ‘I will just wake up when I need to.’

Hats off to them for redefining what it means to be zen, but what is with this strange refusal to just use a bloody alarm?!

Whilst we might think we are all unique for having these traits, I can guarantee you are able to relate to, or associate at least one trait with a friend or family member.  Proving, whilst we do all have our eccentric quirks, we are all cut from the same cloth.