The classic lineup for a big night out in Salisbury

Salisbury, being the smallest city that could possibly ever exist has a somewhat limited nightlife. Imagine: you’ve just turned 18 and you are beyond excited for all the boozing and mental nights out ahead of you. You make you’re way into town and what’s on offer? A crackden, a converted church, and a few pubs full of old people. Joy.

Now being 19 and having stuck it out with the Salisbury nightlife, it is sure to say I have nailed the Salisbury sesh. This classic lineup, if followed with precision, can result in one hell of a good night.

Pres at your most middle-class mates house 

Get the gang round, bring the beers and gather at your most middle-class friend’s house. This is an essential factor as firstly, Mummy and Daddy are most likely allow you rowdy lot over. Secondly, there may be free alcohol. Last but not least, if you’re lucky, they may have a hot tub.

The biggest thing to remember here is that you are going out in Salisbury, so you’re going to have to be at least a level of six out of 10 smashed before you even leave pre-drinks.

Next, Spoons

I would hope that this is the next destination in anyone’s night out, because who doesn’t love a Spoons? Here, it is guaranteed you will bump into everyone you have ever met in your life. Your first primary school love, your ex-best friend, the neighbour’s dog’s cousin – literally everyone, so be prepared.

Head straight for the bar, order your large Sex on the Beach pitcher with one straw and go upstairs. Everyone in here is determined they have only “come out for a quiet one”, but we all know two Hooches later they will be queue jumping at Chapel.

The Music box, simply because ‘quid Jägerbombs’

The trek from Spoons to The Music Box seems to last a lifetime with Harry stopping to get out cash, James climbing some famous monument, and Ellie needing a piss. But you make it and it’s worth it every time for those sweet, sweet Jägerbombs for only a pound. This stop only lasts around five minutes, that is, unless you’re into below-par music and an MC shouting “one to the two to the three to the four”. You’ll whack at least two Jägers down your neck and get the hell out of there.

Don’t forget the inevitable trolley ride

The Chapel queue is inevitably longer than anticipated

Being the only club in Salisbury, there is always a queue longer than you thought at The Chapel. Yet every time you tell yourself, “why would anyone queue for this?”

After socialising with the whole of Salisbury for half an hour, desperately needing a wee and freezing your ass off, you hand over the tenner you definitely didn’t want to pay to get in. Every time you tell yourself you will be in for free entry; RIP bank balance.

You’re finally in and you head straight for the main room. You begin to question why you ever said you hated this place. Reece has got the VKs in and you and your girls are all singing along to ‘C’est la Vie’ by Bewitched.

As the night progresses, and you realise how rubbish the main room is, so you and your squad make a move to the RnB room. VKs and three quid vodka Vimto are the only drinks consumed. But this is where shit goes down. Josh is bound to pull someone Jack has, so that’s guaranteed beef in the group chat. Sophie is bound to have a break down and I wouldn’t be surprised if Beth is being sick in Chapel toilets with Saskia. Classy.

RnB Chapel is all fun and games until the end of the night is near. Here, the amazing resident DJ thinks it’s a great idea to drop some drum and bass. Immediately the boys go mental. Road man hats are whipped onto heads, the bass face is out and everyone is jumping on each other.

The ‘indie girls’ finally get to embrace their low messy buns, hoops and jumpers with t-shirts over the top. The other girls suddenly don’t know what to do, and slut dropping is no longer an option. Acting like they love this music is their only hope in impressing the fine lads of Salisbury.

‘The Chapel Nightclub’ = Salisbury

Classy kebab – true Salisbury style

As Chapel draws to a close and everyone piles out through the smoking area there is only one stop left on the list. Manis. True Salisbury style this is actually a well classy kebab. Chicken nuggets and cheesy chips is the only way forward. You get in a taxi home and all laugh about how you promise you won’t go to Chapel again. It’s guaranteed you’ll do it all again next weekend though, promise.

Photos courtesy of Chapel Nightclub, Salisbury