What Sussex uni really teaches you

Protect your food from seagulls at all costs

Buzzfeed recently published the article 33 Times Brighton Proved How Brighton It Is,  but we’d bet that they’ve never lived in Brighton as students, so they have zero idea what they’re talking about, especially seeing as they missed the universities off the list completely.

Here’s an alternative list of what you REALLY learn at Sussex. Because you don’t learn the basics of survival at Sussex from your lecturers.


Teh Univursity of Susex Facebook page is the best thing ever

12238051_413124605565209_586372558558837797_oStudents demonstrating is a weekly occurrence

You’ll want to shoot every single one of the Sussex Snow members in the genitals when they blast shit music in Library square.

You learn to leave seminars early so you don’t miss the free tea, coffee and biscuits the Christian society give out in Library square

We love you all

Seeing the LARP (Live Action Role Play) Society dressed like Vikings

They fight with plastic swords in various locations across campus. This doesn’t phase us any more.

You get used to seeing Caroline Lucas chillin’ on campus

Is the rosette made from recycled materials Caz?

Timing your trips to Co-op so you don’t end up in the monster queue

Never go between 10 to and 10 past.


Protecting your meal deal so a seagull doesn’t steal your sandwich the second you open it

seagull-205528_640Your core reading is sometimes written by your tutor

Yes, that awkward dad-like figure (who is more effective at putting you to sleep than the Harry Potter audio book ) spent five years working in a garment factory just to write a book. Which you’re supposed to have read.

The SU shop £1 wraps aren’t a bargain, because they have no filling

How to walk around the library for 20 minutes just to find friends

And leaving if you can’t find anyone to help you procrastinate.

AKA the suicide boothsHello? Anyone? 

If you lose your library card , you will not get a new one for 3 years because it’s just too far up the fucking hill of death

You do so much complaining about how much work you have and how hard your life is when you have six hours a week and barely do anything

Eduroam. Is. The. Pits.


EduroamLiterally what? 

It’s worth defending East slope like it’s your first born when you know it’s a shit hole

But you love it anyway.

It’s not unusual to wake up to an aggressive squirrel in your kitchen

You or someone near you, will, at some point, be K-holing

You’ll get so used to the ridiculous speed at which the famous trans bus driver goes you won’t even bat an eyelid


Watch out if you see a promoter by Falmer Station.

It’s key to avoid eye contact, put headphones in and pretend to be on your phone.

You will meet the secret man under the bridge

He runs daily song-guessing competitions where students can play to win piano lessons from him. Plus he has a great selection of head accessories.

Thinking you’re so edgy cos you managed to find a Carhart jacket for £20

It’s not an achievement. We’ve all been to Dirty Harry.

Getting a wall hanging

Walking through the Lanes when you first move into your second year house, buying an “authentic” Buddhisty Hinduey ethnicy-looking wall hanging and thinking you’re the first to do so. You’ll regret it.

hangingg-1024x576All you will see on your Facebook feed is petitions and links to social justice articles

You’ll try to eat meat or dairy in the privacy of your own home but get called a murderer by your vegan flatmate every time you take a bite

Moulsecoombe is the Antarctica of Brighton

If you meet a northerner, you’ll be thinking they’re a mirage

You will never find any ripe avocados in Aldi

It is a daily struggle.