Toby Harris: On the return to St A.

The second semester commences and the much rehearsed, “Hey, how are you?” conversation is dusted down, ready for heavy usage.

Touch down in St Andrews town, get yourself to Tesco, buy your essentials, bump into everyone you never missed and recount your vacation. Sound familiar?

Why does politeness dictate that insincere interest in another’s’ holiday arrangements is “polite”? Retelling holiday activities should be saved for the few close friends. Exceptions may occur if you know that somebody has had a particularly extraordinary or interesting experience.

How much detail do people want to hear? Do you offer a week-by-week breakdown? This entails a hefty time investment, a glass of water and short, shallow breaths to maximise talking speed. No, save that for your nearest and dearest.

Do you give a general overview? This is the generic, undisputed safe-ground of “Fine”. “My holiday was fine.” What does that even mean? In fact, there is no point asking how ones’ holiday was if the answer is “fine”. The interrogator knows no more about the others’ holiday after questioning if the subsequent answer is “Yeah, good thanks, yours?” Nonetheless, such a conversation is the mundane regularity.

What if their holiday was terrible? What if they suffered a tragedy, bereavement or a sudden bad turn of events? We don’t want that either. Do you have the time to hear about it? Whilst you know it’s uninteresting, you only signed up for the generic “Yeah, good thanks, yours?”  We don’t actually want to hear about the terrible presents your grandma bought you for Christmas and the ensuing family feuds. You only asked to appear polite and fane interest in a person’s holiday plans because it’s “the done thing”.

Do you just mention the key and defining moments of the break?  Well, that’s all good and proper if you have “defining moments” to talk about. Mine consisted of moving from the sofa to the dining table and consuming more than my body weight of protein at every opportunity. How many times can I recount such an activity without embarrassment?

Personally, I would prefer someone not to ask about my holiday at all than to ask me with blank, vacant eyes, that yawns whilst I’m speaking. Telling so many disinterested people about my previous holiday causes me to become apathetic with my own holiday memories. Either way people are bored, why bother? Why ask? Who cares?

Now, let’s enjoy the semester.